-www.sideshowreview.com - MOVIE REVIEWS

Silip: Daughters of Eve (1985) by K-Fleet

2008-04-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

Warning: this review contains explicit language. Read at your own risk (of liking)!!

Humor: 2
Blood: 2
Nudity: 4
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 4
Other: In Filipino/Tagalog with English subtitles
Memorable quotes:

“She’ll be fuckin around the mountain when she comes, she’ll be fuckin around the mountain when she comes...”

Starting with the opening scene of a guy knocking a buffalo in the head with an axe and then gutting it, I immediately thought of Alejandro Jodorowski, but Silip is far more straight forward and coherent. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll put Holy Mountain and El Topo against any film, but there are so many political and social undertones, that you might not get the true intention of the scenes (but will still be appalled, entertained, or both). Okay, so back to Silip.

Tonya lives amongst a village of sexual depravity and obsession, and although she's been able to resist physical advances, her mind often strays with unclean thoughts. So, she continually asks for God’s forgiveness, and encourages the younger kids to resist temptation, telling the girls that males are devils who have horns between their legs.

Selda, a former resident, returns to the village for a visit with her boyfriend, Ron. After a short stint, she seduces her (and Tonya’s) ex-beau, Simon, and is caught making out with him by his girlfriend, Mona. Mona goes berserk and tries to kill Selda, so they tie her up and continue where they left off. Tonya then wakes up Ron, who witnesses Simon boning his woman, and all hell breaks loose. In short, Ron almost gets killed, Tonya sees his weiner, and Granny sends him packing.

Pia, a coming of age girl, has been having impure thoughts and dreams about Simon, so a friend tells Tonya, and she tries to cleanse Pia by throwing hot sand on/in her crotch. The villagers believe Tonya is leading the children astray, so they try to hunt her down.

Tonya seeks refuge with Simon, and after he expresses his undying love for her, she finally gives into temptation and lets him ravage her. When Tonya sees that Pia is watching, she gets ashamed and runs away, but Pia is aroused by Simon’s nakedness, and attempts to touch his “horn.” At first, I thought kiddie porn was about to unfold, but instead, he slaps her, and she rolls down a hill and hits her head on a rock. He then attempts to dispose of the body, but one of the kids sees him, and seeks revenge. He first stabs Simon in the back, and after a short chase, the other kids join in (reminiscent of Who Can Kill a Child?) and then cut off his head.

Mona blames both murders on Tonya, and when the villagers see her and Selda together, they deem them witches and tie them up in a hut. The guardsmen take advantage of the situation and have their way, and then the villagers burn them Wicker Man style.

I really liked this movie, maybe it was because of the naked, brown skinned beauties, or maybe because of the naked, brown skinned beauties. Tonya's allure was apparent from the jump by wearing only a light dress and no panties. Mondo did good in resurrecting this forgotten gem, and it’s nice to hear the American influences in the renditions of Stand By Me, and Madonna’s Like a Virgin and Starlight. The biggest beef I had was that one of the wide-angle cameras had a spot on the lens, and a blurred splotch showed up in several scenes. Not that it really detracted from the film, but it was a little annoying since once I noticed it, I got fixated on it. Plus, the subtitles were a little inconsistent in the spelling of Tonya vs. Tonia. But, very minor things for a movie that offers a dab of blood and gore, lots of sex and nudity, and even a few dongs for the ladies. You gotta check this one out, skip renting and just buy it.

I Was a Teenage Strangler (1998) by K-Fleet

2008-04-02T23:20:00.000-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 2
Nudity: 4
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2.5

William Hellfire and Factory 2000 gave Misty Mundae her start, not to mention other familiar faces on Seduction Cinema’s roster. Unearthed from the vaults is their latest, I Was a Teenage Strangler.

Looking like more of a student project than a feature film, the horrible acting, shaky camera, questionable editing and sound, and shotty dialog really shined through. But, this film isn’t a total waste of time, as it offers a nice array of nudity (full frontal) and exploitation.

Due to the incoherent storyline, I really couldn’t tell what was going on until the ending sequence. Yeah, there’s some dude in a black mask strangling people, a party with 70’s overtones, scenes of UNsimulated sex, oral sex, and masturbation, simulated pissing, dumping, and fecal consumption, a clothes hanger abortion scene, and more, but it jumped around so much that I didn't even attempt to piece it together. Oh, what young actors will do for a buck and a shot at fame.

This is Misty’s first feature, where she has a minor role as a party-goer who witnesses the aftermath of the evening’s festivities. But, with her short hair and flat chest, she almost looked like a young boy. Who knew she’d become the most popular name under SC’s canopy?

At first watch, I thought this film really sucked, outside of the gratuitous nudity, but after viewing the trailer reel and some thought, I think maybe Will’s work was merely a foreshadowing of things to come, that is, with all the rage over the snuff genre and grindhouse/exploitation movies these days. If you can deal with all the bad elements it has to offer, you may still find something appealing in his work, plus, if you have a soft spot for Misty Mundae like I do, you might just get suckered into buying them time and time again. It looks like more Hellfire releases are to come, and one thing's for sure, Big Will likes snuff, and his token choice of death is strangulation (Nude Strangler, Vampire Strangler, Masked Strangler, etc).

Amok Train by K-Fleet

2008-03-28T15:06:00.000-05:00

Humor: 2, not funny ha ha, but funny ridiculous
Blood/Gore: 2
Nudity: 1
Minutes FF’ed thru: none, I just didn’t pay attention
Overall rating: 2
Other: Some dialog in Yugoslavian with no subtitles

Amok Train is one of Shriek Show’s latest. A little background on Media Blasters, this is a company that’s notorious for unearthing obscure cinema through it’s various labels: Shriek Show, Tokyo Shock, Kitty Media, etc. The problem is, they frequently bump street dates with no notification, shelve releases after promoting, and often choose movies so obscure that there’s little interest to drive them. Case in point, Amok Train.

A group of students go on an educational expedition to Yugoslavia, and meet with a renowned professor who delves in pagan religion (and also has pyrokinesis). He hand- picks Beverly to stay in a different cottage with him and an old witch, and while sleeping, the others’ cottage is set ablaze. While it burns, the townsfolk applaud by hitting rocks together. The students try to escape by catching a train, but two are left behind, and one got charred in the fire. The train comes to a halting stop because of a fire on the tracks, and after a shadowy figure appears (the professor), the train becomes possessed and starts killing everyone on it. Death toll in one, two-minute scene, is three. The train charges full-steam ahead and doesn’t stop for anything or anyone.

Apparently, Beverly has the mark of the devil (a birthmark) and because of her (and the train), everyone is dying. The train continues to run ramped, take lives, and only stops when it reaches it’s destination, the original village they started at. A ceremony is then held for Satan’s virgin bride (Bev), but when the old witch feels her up, it’s found that she’s not a virgin after all. This puts a big kink in the festivities and the professor and witch die (more horrible effects), allowing Bev to put it that all behind her and board a plane home.

The story and dialog became so ridiculous that I stopped listening, started reading the latest issue of Fangoria, and just watched when something caught my attention. The gore FX were less than stellar, and seemed like a very bad ode to Lucio Fulci. Not to mention the lameness of the characters: some dude mimicking playing a flute, the perverted witch, the rock-pounding people, the token black guy, who’s one of the first to be offed, and the switchblade-wielding bad girl.

And, what can be lamer than a possessed train? There’s only one scene that was even close to cool, and that was when a guy got ran over by the train, and the bumper-guard, if that’s what it’s called, drug his head. Otherwise, it’s just late 80’s horror gone bad, and another crappy release from Shriek Show, who have been unable to release anything noteworthy in last year, and need to stick to their cheap three-pack reissues. Plus, Kitty Media needs to get off their ass and release Behind Convent Walls or Nuns of St, Archangel to follow their nunsploitation series, Convent of Sinners and Images in a Convent.

There’s much better obscure cinema to watch, so checkout releases from BCI, or anything from Ryko Distribution, home of Blue Underground, Severin, Synapse, etc.

Them (aka Ils) by K-Fleet

2008-03-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 2
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2.5, based on a few choice scenes
Other: In French and Romanian with English subtitles.

Every since I saw the trailer several months ago, I highly anticipated seeing Dark Sky’s latest, Them. Lucky for me, it was the first to be shipped from Netflix on new release day.

The beginning started as many horror movies have, two people (a mother and daughter in this case) are traveling home at night, and something runs across the road, so they swerve and wreck their car by hitting a pole. Sounds familiar, huh? So, Mom gets out to check the engine, pops the hood, and disappears. Daughter gets out to find mom gone, is frightened by the sounds she hears, and gets back into the car (van, technically). She tries to call the police, but is put on hold, and while waiting, is terrorized by someone (or something) outside. She is then strangled by someone hiding in the back seat. All too familiar, I know.

Clementine, a teacher, receives a prank call, but doesn’t think much of it. She goes to bed, but is woken up in the middle of the night by disturbing noises. She then wakes her boyfriend, Lucas, who goes out to investigate. They see that someone has moved her car, and when Lucas tries to approach it, they drive off, only to return later to terrorize them.

First, their power is shut off, and flashlights are shined through the windows. The lights are then turned back on, and a game of cat and mouse ensues. Clem and Luke both get hurt, and in an attempt to flee, Clem tries to find a way out through the attic. What's scarier than someone chasing you through a room full of hanging drop cloths? Maybe a room full of mirrors, but the oodles of dangling plastic alone (and what might be hiding behind them) would make most shit their pants! The hoodie-wearing assailant finds her, but she fights him, and pushes him off a ledge, causing him to fall to his death.

Another one of “them,” sees his fallen soldier, and goes in a rage, chasing the couple out of the house and into the nearby woods. Clem makes it over a property fence and runs to find help, but Lucas’s leg is too banged up, so he’s left to hide (or left for dead).

She stumbles upon her car, and tries to flee, but is caught and taken to the tunnels. Lucas hears her screams and follows. He finds Clem held down by one of the guys, so he knocks him out, and a spectating younger boy offers to help them get away. As they climb the ladder to an upper level, the boy knocks Lucas off. Clem continues to make her way through the maze, and rushes toward a lit opening, but damn the luck, it's blocked off by metal bars and she’s caught again. The movie goes onto say that the police found the bodies of Lucas and Clem, and caught the murderers who were between the ages of 10 and 15.

This was quite a bit different than what I thought. Granted, I hadn’t done a lot of research, but did watch the trailer (as mentioned), and since Dark Sky usually has good movies, my expectations were high. I must say, aside from the drop cloth scene, and wanting to see the kid get his head bashed in by Clem with the big rock, which didn’t happen, I was utterly disappointed. I’m sure part of the allure is in not knowing why the kids were so demented, but I felt ripped off in not knowing, and the “They wouldn’t play (with us)” spiel just didn’t suffice. A much better movie of terroristic children is Children of the Corn or Who Can Kill a Child?.

I still have high hopes for Dark Sky, though, and Ricco the Mean Machine is patiently awaiting it’s turn.

Deadly End (aka Neighborhood Watch) by K-Fleet

2008-03-26T14:34:00.000-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood/Guts: 2
Nudity: 1
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

Bob and his wife, Wendi, move to a quaint little town so he can start his new job at ZeeCor. Within the first few days, they find out that their neighbors are less than normal, as the lady across the street crashes her car into their yard, and when her husband comes to rescue, they act as if they’re deaf when spoken to. Then, another neighbor, Adrian, leaves welcoming gifts. First, are flowers that have poison oak in them, which causes Wendi to have a massive break out on her face, and then chocolates, which make their stomachs upset and asses explode. In his last attempt, he brings them tainted grape preserves, but they're denied, as the couple is now onto his antics.

Adrian has been watching and taping the couple’s sexual exploits, and in anger of not accepting his last gift, he goes home, turns on an audio taping of the sexcapades, and fingers a cut on his stomach while jabbing a syringe in his crotch.

He is later caught red-handed in the couple’s house tainting their food, but when the police are called, all he gets is a slap on the hand, since he's kin to the late mayor of the town. He then pumps poison into their water line and they get sick again. When they go to the doctor, they find out that Wendi is pregnant, but Adrian continues to pump poison into the water line and they become sicker.

While at their lowest point, Adrian kidnaps Wendi and takes her to his house to “take all the bad things out down there.” He gets her on the operating table, opens her up, and starts feeling around, but when she wakes up and starts screaming, he pumps her full of drugs and goes to do some more surgery on himself.

Adrian also has it out for the deaf couple, Judd and Mary, and aids in killing her by short circuiting their power, which causes her life support machine to fail. So, Judd goes over to Adrian’s house, and while he’s doing his surgery, he pulls out his intestines. The victor: the hearing impaired.

Bob, Wendi, and the baby end up being okay, minus one spleen, and the couple packs up and moves on.

This was a pretty good movie with decent effects. Nothing earth-shattering, but worth a watch for fans of b-horror, or those who like stories of insane neighbors, which we can all relate to. One of the most comedic scenes is the aftermath of Bob’s anal explosion: a crap trail leading into his stall, his pants soiled, his exhaustion and agony, and a co-worker who witnesses it all. Not that I have a fecal fetish or would wish deathly diarrhea on anyone, but fart and poop gags done right are entertaining.

All Hallows' Eve by K-Fleet

2008-03-19T00:58:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

Much like Tales From the Crypt and Creepshow, All Hallows’ Eve showcases a trilogy of terror.

A group of friends get together on Halloween night to tell scary stories. The first story is about Tom and Ann who are celebrating their anniversary. During the gift exchange, Tom gets clip-on ties, and Ann gets a rifle to match his, so they can go hunting together. Rather than spending the day with Ann, Tom wakes up early and takes off to the woods. Over the radio, he hears about an escape killer, who just so happens to show up in the same woods as him. He’s stalked and terrorized, but manages to escape fairly unscathed. On the way home, he hears that the killer was caught at the airport, so who was in the woods shooting at him?

The next story is about a guy named Michael and his insecure girlfriend, Molly. She shows up at his house, hears the voice of another woman from outside, and walks back to her car saddened and angry. Mike makes a run to the store while his company takes a shower, so Molly enters the house, stabs the hell out the girl, who manages to dial the police before she drops the phone, and then cleans up her mess. Mike comes home and is happy to see Molly waiting, but eagerly wants her to meet his sister, Suzi, who’s come to stay with him for a few days. The cops then come a knockin, but ain’t noone answering.

The third story is about Bloody Mary. While cheating on his girlfriend, Wayne is bitten on the neck. Kinky sex, maybe, but blood is drawn, so he goes home and gets bandaged up. Unable to sleep, Wayne somewhat confesses what happened, and when Peggy sees the bite, she tells him the story of Mary and her sister, which her grandfather told many times. Convinced that she’s the culprit, she prepares the fight to keep her man. Wayne is drawn back to the fanged seductress, but before she can bite him again, Peggy drives a stake through her back (heart-side no less). Back at home, Peggy reassures Wayne that things will be okay, but when they begin making out, her true identity is revealed.

Blood, sex, nudity, chick-power, and blood-sucking freaks is what All Hallows’ Eve has to offer. Sure, there's some questionable acting, and the twists are fairly predictable, but overall, it's a pretty decent feature. Thanks to Angelika for sending a screener, and I look forward to more from Sparks Entertainment.

The Caretaker by K-Fleet

2008-02-29T14:59:00.001-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: 2
Nudity: 2
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3.5
Memorable quotes:
“Derrik, look, boob-o-lanterns.”

Instead of going to the Halloween dance, Topher, Snail, and Ricky take the ladies (Ella, Chloe, and Sonya) to an abandoned house where The Caretaker once lived. They tell the story of an obsessively jealous man, who locked up his wife, and after she birthed their child, he killed her. An innocent plan to scare the girls goes awry, when they find their limo driver dead, stumble upon another dead dude in the house, and then they start getting plinked off one by one.

Miss Perry (Jennifer Tilly), a teacher from the school, shows up and further confirms the truth of the story, but has her own agenda and tries to seduce Topher, who gets whacked before she can finish.

One by one, they meet the wrath of The Caretaker’s weapon, a metal fruit picker. The only one left standing is Ella, the new girl in town, who's picked up by her father (Judd Nelson), but what becomes of The Caretaker?

Hot chicks, a little nudity, a maniac killer, and Jennifer Tilly and her cleavage, need I say more? Although the kills were pretty lame, and the murder weapon even lamer (but original), this was a decent movie. It’s one that appeals to a wide audience, zoning in on the teen horror fan (although it has an R-rating), as the blood and gore are fairly tame, the storyline is relatable (teen stereotypes and antics), and it’s packed with good looking young actors. But, me being the analytical movie watcher I am, I didn’t quite understand The Caretaker’s motivation to kill, was he just a psychopath who couldn’t control his obsession, or simply just the bad grapefruit of the bunch?

It’s a film I’ll definitely watch again, and maybe another viewing will bring more to light. I would've liked to have seen some special features offered, maybe an interview with Jenn and Judd or some outtakes, and also a chapter selection, but outside of the language selections, this was a bare-bones DVD.

Thanks to Jackie for sending the promo, I look forward to many more releases from Turkey Ranch Productions.

The Rage (2007) by K-Fleet

2008-02-27T19:09:00.000-06:00

Humor: 2, laughable, but not in a good way
Blood: 2, but could have been a 3, had there been less CGI
Nudity: 1
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2

From the creator of From Dusk Till Dawn and director of Wishmaster and Buried Alive (see my review) comes The Rage.

A mad scientist’s “rage” injection backfires when his latest specimen breaks free, kills him, then flees. After his third kill, he collapses, and vultures swarm to eat the carcass, thus ingesting the virus and infecting everyone they come in contact with.

A Winnebago full of friends encounter the birds, and the fight for their life begins. They stumble upon the mad scientist’s lab, and find out that he’s not dead, but is even more adamant on continuing his experiment.

What results is a horribly executed movie with a few decent gore scenes, and CGI birds that are straight bogus. The only plus of this feature was the presence of Erin Brown (aka Misty Mundae) who carries a lead role, but unfortunately, keeps her clothes on in this one. It’s not that she can’t act, but maybe another boob or two would have made me feel less guilty for wasting an hour and a half watching this.

So, if you want to see Erin how you always have, naked and naive, rent Chantal or Sick Girl, and then buy the newly re-edited 2-disc version of Vampire Strangler, which shows a much younger Misty, but has her only hardcore scenes to date.

ActionGirls: Soldiers Of The Dead Part 1 by K-Fleet

2008-02-27T15:33:00.001-06:00

WARNING: This movie contains explicit content and is intended for mature audiences only!! Watch at your own risk (of liking).

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 4
Minutes FF’ed thru: about 5 minutes, chase scenes got kind of redundant
Overall rating: 3.5

In the same vein as Ilsa the Wicked Warden, this film follows a similar formula, but offers lots of hot, ass-kicking women, who proudly show their own.

Helman Himmler is the leader of the new Nazi regime and has a soft spot for hot, naked women, but what straight man doesn’t? Problem is, his right-hand woman, a leather-clad blonde named Adriana, doesn’t appreciate his wandering eyes.

While ransacking the prison, Adriana stumbles across a formula which will reanimate the dead as superhumans. She injects one of the male prisoners, and after a series of convulsions, he breaks free from his chains and beats the shit out of a female inmate. She then trades three captives for a truckload of dead bodies and starts to build her army.

Enter, Susanna and Emily, two badass gun-toting mamma jammas who battle Adriana’s rage-infested soldiers and don’t even seem to break a sweat.

So, what does this film really have to offer? Action-yes, girls-yes, soldiers of the dead-sorta, but with naked gladiator fights, scantly clad women delving out ass-beatings, and a little blood and gore to top it off, it’s sure to satisfy any fan of the genre. Plus, it’s nice to see a new generation of Nazisploitation movies emerge. Since this is Part 1, and the ending leaves you hanging, the next installment is sure to come. Thanks to Scotty for sending me a copy, and I really forward to the follow-up.

If you’re interested in more movies of this genre, Wild Eye pictures will offer their vision later this year with Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69.

New York City Horror Film Festival by K-Fleet

2008-02-27T14:15:00.000-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: 2
Nudity: 2
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

This is a compilation of independent horror shorts featured at the festivals.

Plasticity 1.7- after losing her legs in a car-wreck, a chick takes revenge on the other driver by making him into a machine.

Cup-O-Abomonations- an animated short portraying part of the Book of Revelation.

Entrapped- a dude gets locked up and tortured for screwing a cop’s wife.

Non-Abductees Anonymous- abductee-challenged individuals form a support group to cope with grief of not being taken by aliens.

Slasher Flick- while watching a horror marathon at work, a dude is stalked by a knife-wielding killer.

Tomorrow’s Bacon- a fighting couple stop at a diner and when they leave, there’s a knife missing.

Subway- a chick misses her train and is attacked by a stranger, but who (or what) has the last say?

Scream For Me- a guy strangles a stripper, but a heartbroken fan of hers busts in and gets his revenge.

Stand out features are:
Slasher Flick, it’s great when you can poke fun at your own movie, Subway is in the vein of Species, and Scream For Me I’d seen at a convention last year, and it left lasting images in my head, definitely worth a watch if you can stomach the ending.

This is one of the better horror compilations I’ve seen. If you’re interested in more work by Christopher Alan Broadstone, check out his DVD, 3 Dead Girls, which has Scream For Me, My Skin, and Human No More, or you can pick up Visions of Horror on Amazon for under 10 bucks and get 2 out of the 3.

Flogging Margaret by K-Fleet

2008-02-26T20:51:00.000-06:00

Humor: 2

Blood: none, it’s a comedy

Nudity: none

Minutes FF’ed thru: none

Overall rating: 3

Friends Jimbo (Chainsaw) and Keith run an investigation business for catching cheating spouses. One day, they run into Joey, Keith’s gay friend, and meet him at Woody’s nightclub later that evening. There, Keith meets Chloe, the owner, and there's an instant attraction. Jim ends up hooking up with Ursula and Helga and has a wild night of S&M.

Keith and Chloe go on a date and hit it off. Margaret, Keith’s ex-girlfriend, pops into the picture and makes attempts to win him back. As Keith and Chloe start getting serious, Margaret continues to weasel her way in. To make him jealous, she sleeps with Jimbo, and then catches him at a weak moment and kisses him in front of Chloe.

After making amends with Chloe, Keith pretends to want Margaret back, and they attend relationship counseling. Keith then flees, and leaves Margaret in the hands of bondage queens Helga and Ursula.

This wasn’t a bad movie, but nothing really new either. Chloe and Chainsaw’s acting was good, but Keith and Joey seemed forced. Plus, Chloe was nice to look at, and Chainsaw’s antics were pretty humorous. It’s worth a watch, but probably not something you’d revisit soon after. For a better romantic comedy, see my review for Shanghai Kiss.

Mr. Untouchable by K-Fleet

2008-02-26T11:32:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: photos of murders
Nudity: 1, topless chick in a photo
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 4
Memorable quotes:

Barnes: “Hey Nick, you broken the Golden Rule. And I say, what good is a rule if the rule ain’t a jewel that’s fit for the crown of the king, if you goin take the rule and just use it to make bling and you goin say fuck the king, then the king goin sing.”

Nicky Barnes aka Mr. Untouchable was one of the most notorious drug lords in upstate New York in the 70’s. He went from a user to a kingpin, taking whatever he wanted by any means necessary. After years of growing and grooming his empire, and beating several cases, which is what labeled him Mr. Untouchable, he was caught and sentenced to life in prison. From the inside, he continued to run his organization, but with incompetent leaders, things started going bad. The final straw is when one of his boys started messing with his girl, so he decided the best revenge was to snitch and take the empire down. This resulted in 75 felony cases and after 21 years in prison, he was released under witness protection. He did have feelings of guilt for breaking the street code, but it was more about his family’s disrespect, and their failure to recognize their place, where they came from, and how they got there.

This was a pretty good documentary told through the narration of Barnes and people in the inner circle. If you like gangster docs, check out Gangster King: Raymond Lee Washington and Gang War: Bangin’ in Little Rock.

Bikini Bloodbath by K-Fleet

2008-02-14T00:27:00.001-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: 1
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

I waited what seems like forever to get this from Netflix as it stayed on “long wait” since I added it to my queue about a month and a half ago. So, my curiosity was evoked even more as to what the mass-want for this title was all about.

Within the first 15 minutes, three different people get whacked with a cleaver by the mad chef. No explanation on why he’s killing, maybe he's disgruntled for losing a battle against Iron Chef Mario Batali, or maybe even Cat Cora, which would send me on a splatter rampage too. Anyway, so he takes out anyone in shis path and shows no favorites in doing so.

A high school girl’s parents go out of town, so she invites her female friends over for a party where drinking, dancing, Twister, and hot-tubbing are the choice events. On the other side of town, the football players are also having a party where booze, smores, poker, grab-ass, and faggoty antics are the choice activities. Two of them decide to see what the ladies are up to, so after a short jaunt, they join them in the jacuzzi.

To make a long story short (although the film clocks in a mere one hour), the killer chef makes his way to the house, kills a few, and then gets killed with a rake by the hostess. Kind of reminds me of a song, “It’s my party and I’ll kill if I want to, kill if I want too, kill if I want too, you would kill too if it happened to you.”

B-horror queen, Debbie Rochon, has a small part as a lesbo teacher, but has packed on a few pounds, and has less than convincing screams than in her Troma days.

Camp, yes, bikini and underwear-clad ladies, YES, boobs, yes, lame kills and gore effects, yes, bloodbath, NO. Even though this flick doesn't live up to it's title, it is one I’d watch again, and recommend to fans of camp. There were several chuckleable parts, and pretty hot babes who had no problem baring their assets. So, if you watch this and like, you can look forward to Bikini Bloodbath 2: Car Wash and BB3: Christmas, which are finished and may be available later this year.

Storm Warning (2007) by K-Fleet

2008-02-08T15:21:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood/Guts: 3
Nudity: 1, a bare butt
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3.5

If you read my reviews, you know my feelings about Dimension Extreme, and if you don’t read them, then you’re missing out. :)

In Storm Warning, a couple take a fishing boat out, but after a short time on the water, they notice a storm rolling in and get lost trying to make it back. They dock the boat in a drainage area and go ashore to find help. The first house they come to belongs to a father and his two sons, a backwoods family who are growing massive amount of marijuana.

The family comes home, questions the couple, and starts terrorizing them. They are then put in the shed, and seeing an opportunity to make a break for it, they do, but are caught and brought back. The guy gets banged up pretty good, and while the brothers attempt to have their way with his lady, the abusive father is woken up and joins the festivities. He smacks his sons around, and they go back in the house to drink and watch TV. While waiting for them to return, the chick turns into MacGyver and makes a booby trap out of fishing gear. Hearing a commotion, the younger brother investigates, and gets strung up and killed. A far-fetched scene, but you gotta love the head-bashing.

Brother #1 comes out and takes the lady into the house to spend some quality time with Poppy, but the experience is less than pleasurable as he gets his member torn up by a contraption she inserted into herself. A second break for it is made, and is successful, as Poppy gets mangled by his own dog, and the son’s hovercraft idea goes bad.

Like the Wrong Turns, Hills Have Eyes, and Wolfcreek, this feature follows a similar formula about life in the bush, but does bring it’s own twist. There are several scenes where I knew what would follow, but the effects were good and fairly pleasing to watch. For good measure, the director throws in a scene where the family watches barnyard porn, just to clarify how “out there” they are. I liked this movie, and any fan of backwoods horror should be pleased after watching. Sure, there are those “no friggin way scenes,” but overall, it’s a good movie and definitely worth a second watch, unlike Wrong Turn 2, which deserves all the bashing I gave it plus more. Storm Warning hails from Australia, which is where my twin brother lives, so go A-U!

Good job, Dimension, I hope this momentum carries through Nightmare Detective out Feb. 19th.

Better Living Through Killing by K-Fleet

2008-02-07T02:28:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

Brothers Otis and Welford own Grass Monkey Lawn Service and really seem to hate their job and demeaning clientele. Their mass consumption of beer, and fondness of boobs, get them through the day. After finishing a job, Otis overhears a customer bashing them to her friend, so in return, he bashes her head in. Before leaving the scene, Welford takes an owl decoy from the yard as a consolation prize, later naming it Professor Bonaparte. Bonaparte not only talks, but under his demented tutelage, they start killing and robbing their other clients.

The local sheriff knows there's a connection, and keeps a close eye on them, but can't seem to prove anything yet. So, they continue to take lives, desecrate property, and have a run-in with a black superchick, who uses her special powers (her monsterous boobs) to deter them. While Otis is getting smothered in a boob-sandwich (yeah, a great way to go), Welford bashes her brains in with a branch. They also lend a hand in helping their pizza delivery guy get rid of his most annoying and demanding customer, by making a pizza out of him.

In the end, the sheriff takes Bonaparte hostage and finally catches them, but rather than taking them in, he confesses his fanship of their work, and they drink a cold one together.

This film has plenty of boobs, blood, and guts to please the average gorehound, with a notable scene using a garden hose retriever to round up a dude’s intestines, but the stretched humor is a big downfall. I chuckled a few of times, but most of it was unfunny one-liners or situational humor and the typical pissing/pooping/farting gags used to evoke laughter. On a technical note, the filming was steady (no shaky cameras as seen in other low-budget movies) and the picture had very vibrant colors. It’s a movie I would watch again, and maybe after a few beers would find more humorous, but if you aren't a fan of Troma, then you probably won't like it, as it really caters to that style of comedic-horror. But, it looks like it was a lot of fun to make, and I look forward to more Cafe Death productions.

Scariest Places on TV by Smokeskrene

2008-02-05T20:04:00.000-06:00

Sci-Fi's Scariest Places on Earth.

{overall rating}-**

{action}- Some times they do fast camera shots and stop motion tricks similar to 13 Ghosts.

{humor}- They sell this so hard its laughable.

{nudity}- Nun

{blood}- Some people don't know how to clean up 100 year old blood stains.

{acting}- Theres lots of acting even thow they'd make this seem like a documentary style reality show.

{film quality}- The production value is extremely high.

{entertainment factor}-

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Thank god I DVR'd this. Maybe 15 minutes combined on 2 episodes.

So I was looking for something to watch on Dish and came across this. Thinking it would be some kind of historical information about scary places I was interested. What I got was not exactly what I was looking for. They do give you good history and some first hand accounts. The problem is their experts were super excited to prove something. Orbs that were definitely something being blown to a window like dust. Audio of someone rubbing against a microphone while asking questions was mistaken as audio evidence of something. The whole show is put together great. If you don't care about being lied to and mislead you might be entertained. I would definitely pass on watching this. If you want something good just stick with ghost hunters. These guys are using a digital camera to photograph in the dark and claiming the spots that aren't filled as orbs. Then they try to exorcise them. Not priests. No catholic church. But they they think they are something special. They use sound effects to cover up the boredom of their lackluster show. It would be great if the world were as scary as they make it seem. Its not so they make it up.

Tales from the Carnal Morgue Vol 1 by K-Fleet

2008-01-30T22:52:00.000-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 2
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

My first introduction to Steel Web Studios was through Slaughter Disc, a great horror-porn movie I saw over a year ago, and had to tell my friends about. Tales from the Carnal Morgue V1 is their next offering, which contains three horror shorts, with internet buzz around Mr. Buttons.

Mail Order Bride- Steven’s friend asks him to record Dr. Phobia’s All Night Frightfest on KUNT Channel 8 because his VCR is broken. VCR?, I thought, what about DVD-R or TiVo? Anyway, so Steven sees a commercial for the Personal Concubine-2000, a robotic woman who's guaranteed to satisfy his every need. Crushed from a recent break-up, he drops $3000 to build his new woman, which is delivered in a coffin-box, and looks like the Bride of Frankenstein and Morticia Addams. After a 12 hour charge, she's ready for programming, and by showing her his favorite porn, she’ll be able to fulfill his sexual desires. Before he leaves for work, he puts in a tape for her to watch, which unbeknownst to him, is only a partial copy of the intended movie, with the rest being the Frightfest shows. While awaiting his arrival home, she watches a cooking program, and decides to make her hard-working owner a feast. He rushes home anticipating the wild night to come, but instead of getting a love slave, HE gets sacrificed and eaten.

A great premise, with the best acting from Caroline Pierce (the robot-chick), but seems reminiscent of the movie Love Object. Oh yeah, nice set of robot boobs too. Rating: 3.

Mr. Buttons- Mr. Buttons, a clown doll, is created by a witch-girl who delves in black magic. The doll is sent to her married ex-lover as a curse, but is given to his daughter, Kelly, for her birthday. Mr. Buttons has an immediate overbearing stench, why?, because inside him is the witch’s finger, an ingredient used to seal the spell. Mr. Buttons is not your ordinary doll, in that every wish Kelly makes, he will ensure it comes true. Tired of hearing her parents fight, she makes a wish for it to stop, so Mr. B kills them. Kelly is institutionalized, and through the years, she keeps her best friend, Mr. B, close. An orderly takes him away from her, and through her rage, she makes a wish that he die on his own vomit, which is fulfilled by a drug overdose at the hand of Mr. B. In order to get rid of their problem, the institution deems Kelly cured, and releases her. She visits her brother, and while catching up, she explains how she tried to get rid of Mr. B many times, but he kept coming back, and that he was originally sent to their cheating father as an intent to bring death upon her and her brother. Disgruntled by her brother’s failure to see her while she was locked up, and teasing her as a child, her last wish is for him to die and burn in hell, which is carried out.

I can see why this is a film festival fave, as it caters to a wider audience and is reminiscent of Puppet Master, Blood Dolls, and Child's Play. Once again, sub-par acting, which makes me wonder if that's what's intended. Rating: 3.

Sustenance- Caroline Pierce returns in a second feature as Victoria, a woman who’s very self-conscious and displeased with her body, so she agrees to have a new weight loss procedure performed on her. After the operation, she wakes up confused, in pain, and locked in an isolated room. She passes the time by doing crossword puzzles and reading magazines. Her first meal is slid through an opening, and although she's unsure as to what it is, she consumes every last crumb. Her hysteria builds as the isolation, boredom, and unknown start to consume her. She’s drugged, and wakes up in even more pain than before, noticing an additional stitched opening on her stomach. Day-in, day-out, similar procedures are carried out, as the mad doctor continues his surgeries until there’s nothing left but her head, which is kept alive by a contraption and funnel-feeding. No body=no need for weight loss.

The full-frontal nudity will keep any pervs attention, but the other exploits of male masturbation and climax, and a pissing scene, seemed totally unnecessary, and merely thrown in for shock. What started as an interesting story, ended in disappointment. Once again, strong acting by Ms. Pierce. Rating: 3, for nudity (yeah, I'm one of those pervs).

For me, the stand-out feature was Mail Order Bride. Had the acting been stronger, it would’ve been more enjoyable. I just felt that the predominant campiness really worked against these films, and had there been higher-grade performances, they would have received higher marks. Granted, I like camp, but when it's clearly intended to be just that. And maybe that was the intent, but I felt they could have been so much more. I really had higher expectations from this studio on this one, having enjoyed Slaughter Disc so much. My suggestion for their next feature would be to ante up the quality of acting, and not use exploitive material just for the sake of shock value. I really look forward to more features and growth from this studio, and thanks to Dave Q for sending me promos.

Dark Places (Brain Damage Films) by K-Fleet

2008-01-30T11:59:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 2
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2.5

Keri is a junkie prostitute who almost gets raped by her latest trick. In defense, she cuts him up with a razor blade. She scores her next hit, and shacks at Luther’s house for the night, a place for fellow druggies, street walkers, and indulgent behaviors. Her latest dose brings back flashbacks of her killing, and her paranoia begins to rise. Her newfound friend, Tim, gets his head bashed in by Luther, and his body is disposed of in the backyard. Keri is chosen as the next participant in Luther and friends' sex games, which on this occasion involves a large rubber phallus. (Ouch, my bum hurts!) Next, she’s being questioned at the police station about the murder, which is one of the worst interrogations I’ve ever seen. She maintains her innocence, and when the cops investigate her story, they find nothing, as it plays out to have been nothing more than a drug-induced delusion.

This is an older title from Brain Damage Films, and if you’ve watched any of their stuff, you know it’s hit and miss and sometimes way miss. But, this company drops 3-4 new movies a month and are currently hiring regional sales reps, so things must be on the up and up. This movie is okay, but nothing outstanding. The acting varies by person, but the lead actress, Nessa Hawkins, is pretty strong. Luther, on the other hand, is pretty lame, but does have a few wild one-liners that will raise a brow. If you’re a fan of low budget b-horror with a favorable helping of nudity, this is right up your alley. BDF offers such a wide variety of films, that there’s at least one that should please any horror or exploitation fan. A fave of mine is A Bothered Conscience, a tale of backwoods hysteria. Check it out and support Midwest (Arkansas) horror.

Cloverfield vs Asylum Pictures mockbuster Monster by K-Fleet

2008-01-28T23:47:00.000-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none, I was in a theatre with no control
Overall rating: 3

So, I went to see Cloverfield and left as confused as I was before seeing it. I knew it was donned as “Godzilla meets The Blair Witch,” which for me, meant nothing, because I was never a big fan of either. I’ve never been a sci-fi geek, outside of Star Wars, and I wasn’t a fanatic, and horror only started consuming me about seven years ago, although I've had a looming interest for Jason Voorhees since grade school. Plus, I liked Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows better than the first. So, I went in with little expectation, as it was the most promising movie out of the eight to choose from, and it couldn’t be nearly as horrible as The Grudge 2, my worst theatrical outing to date.

In a nutshell, it was okay. Nothing really award winning in my eyes, but very watchable. A lot of things will have you saying, What the F-? What is that thing? Where did it come from? What are those? and I wish this was filmed better. But really, that’s what I believe J.J. Abrams wanted. He wanted you to watch it multiple times and still walk away saying, I really don’t understand a damn thing, but that creature was badass. Granted, the stop and start camera action gets old quick, but by mid-movie you're used to it.

Cloverfield isn't a must-see theatrical release, but it is one that all horror and sci-fi fans need to watch, if for nothing else than to pick it apart, point out it's faults, and see how it stacks up against the classic monster movies. I'm sure I’ll pick it up when it reaches DVD, probably won’t be the first in line, or pay full price, but it will hold a spot in my collection. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get a little more insight on the special features as to what IT really is.

Humor: 1
Blood: 2
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: probably about 15 minutes
Overall rating: 2

In the same weekend, I also had a chance to watch Asylum Pictures mockbuster version of Cloverfield called Monster. Familiar faces from some of their other films, like Sarah Lieving, who has talent, but it's not enough to save this crappy movie. The Cloverfield monster is now an octopus or squid looking thing, but I don’t recall ever seeing the actual creature, just it’s tentacles. We have the Blair Witch-esque style of shooting, with even more stops/starts and blackouts. Then, the picture continually goes fuzzy or distorts, which helps dig it an even deeper hole (to throw in). It’s almost like, oh, we really need to drag this story out longer, so let’s throw in some more camera/picture fragmentation.

When picking up an Asylum title, it’s usually a gamble, so try viewing the trailer before laying down your money. Yes, they’re made on a much lesser budget, but sadly, they're usually much lesser creatively too. But, something always seems to draw me back, and I end up renting the next one. They've definitely grown as a studio, and are really gaining a loyal fan-base. Some of their better ones include Intermedio, Beast of Bray Road, Rachel’s Attic, and Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers. Their next title is 2012: Doomsday slated for February 12th, so we'll see how it pans out.

Nature Morte by K-Fleet

2008-01-25T15:05:00.001-06:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 2
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2
Other: Some dialog in French with English subtitles

John Stephensen, a sadomasochistic painter, likes to torture his subjects while he paints them. A copycat painter (Lec) breaks into his house and watches as he paints one of his masterpieces, and then kills himself. With two copies of John’s last painting floating around, one finished and one unfinished, a writer and dealer of Stephensen’s art, Oliver, tries to find out where they came from. He gets caught up in a world of drugs, sex, and death while trying to purchase Lec’s art, which ends in Oliver's apparent suicide. Blanche is Lec’s right-hand, and will do anything he asks. What follows next are a series of sex scenes, lots of drug use, some paint and blood splatter, and a story that failed to keep my attention. I kept thinking I’d seen a similar film, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's just all those sex-scandal movies I've seen over the years running together.

Available February 26th from Redemption DVD, this film may satisfy the softcore lover, but doesn’t do much else, as it’s attempt to spark the sado-psyche even fails.

Die and Let Live by K-Fleet

2008-01-24T00:17:00.001-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood and Guts: 3, but the color fluctuates from bright red paint to near-blood
Nudity: a little nippage through a white top, and a drunk dude’s bare ass
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

An experiment at the Frumcorp Pharmaceuticals Medical Testing Facility goes awry and causes a zombie outbreak. Best friends, Smalls and Benny, have a party so Benny can hook up with Stephanie, but Liz, who has the hots for Benny, is also invited. Stephanie, however, only likes Benny as a friend, and has a thing for Smalls, who she owes for saving her life from her zombie ex-boyfriend, Andrew. Benny catches them kissing, and vows the end of their friendship, but when he realizes he’s acted childish, he makes up with Smalls, and tries to make out with Liz, but she's already started dating one of his friends.

Andrew is also the pizza delivery guy, and while trying to make his stop at Smalls house, gets bitten by the zombies. The zombies continue to lurk outside, but are unable to get in due to the fence, so in an effort to save the pizza, get Andrew's car keys, and save the day, Benny puts on his lucky shoes to face the flesh-eaters. But, the zombies break through the fence, start attacking everyone, and bite Smalls, who in turn bites Benny. Benny, not wanting to waste the pizza, goes into the house, sits on the couch, and enjoys a slice while the ending credits roll. We can only assume that he and Smalls will continue to be best friends in their new zombie life.

Die and Let Live, hmmm, another zombie movie that looks like it was a hell of a good time in the making, but just doesn’t seem to drawn in a wider audience outside of the friends and family associated with it. Troma's own, Lloyd Kaufman, does have a cameo, and although it appears to get his stamp of approval, it's still pretty disappointing. There are a few laughable one-liners, but nothing really new or exciting in story, make-up, effects, or dialog.

This reminds me of Forest of the Dead, and an even lesser known zombie movie which I was involved in titled Undead on Arrival. Once again, it was a great experience and a hoot for everyone involved, but doesn't really seem to go anywhere outside of it's local popularity.

Die and Let Live kind of plays out like Shaun of the Dead, but not nearly as clever nor humorous. However, I do applaud it for having enough impact to get distribution through a great company, Heretic Films and Ryko. Plus, the ending song, My Fanny Pack, brings some laughs to end it all.

Confessions of a Superhero by K-Fleet

2008-01-23T13:42:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: none
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

Christopher Lloyd Dennis plays Superman and is the most tenured performer on Hollywood Blvd. in this documentary. He’s considered a fanatic by most, and his Superman-clad apartment shows it. He estimates he has over a million dollars in memorabilia and says he’s a Superman historian. His mother was actress Sandy Dennis, and his girlfriend is a psychiatrist. They decide to attend the send-off ceremony for Christopher Reeve at the yearly Superman convention in Metropolis, IL where Margot Kidder is attending. Chris proposes to Bonnie at the convention and she accepts, but even with high hopes, he does not place in the costume contest.

Maximus Allen plays Batman and was born and raised in Texas. People said he looked like George Clooney, and when he met Superman on the strip, he suggested he join him as Batman. He has a black belt in two different martial arts, has done some boxing, and also knows hand-to-hand combat through special ops. He gets arrested for fighting with a union worker over using their bathroom, and continues to battle and see a psychiatrist for his anger issues. In the off-season, he works as a security guard, but maintains high hopes of getting discovered.

Jennifer Gerht plays Wonder Woman. She’s a very attractive brunette from Maynardville, KY, population around 2500. Her mother and aunt head the Farmers Co-op, her grandfather is the judge, and her father is a minister. Having an itch to get out, her mother buys her a plane ticket to Hollywood. Her fourth day there, she met her husband, and shortly after, they went to Vegas and got married. Things start falling apart as he focuses more on his career, and they separate. She continues to audition and is considered a strong up-and-comer.

Joe McQueen, a black man, plays the Hulk. He arrived in L.A. during the Rodney King riots. He was homeless for about 4 years, but was still able to go to auditions, and decided to use his pain to further motivate his aspirations. He finally gets a lead role in a Bruce Lee spoof movie called Fighting the Game.

The other characters on the Blvd. include Pinhead, Chewbacca, Fiona (Shrek), Ghost Rider, Charlie Chaplin, Elmo, and many more. The older performers school the newer ones on the etiquette and expectations of working on the strip. The day-in, day-out grind wear on some, and undercover police continually monitor to ensure that the performers aren’t haggling the tourists for tips or attention. Some have been arrested, made the news, and even featured on The Jimmy Kimmel Show.

This is a great documentary about those who aspire to be famous and will go to any lengths to get there. Being considered a fanatic myself (of horror movies), I can see how Christopher Dennis is nothing more than a devout fan who loves what he does and wants to portray it to the fullest. He doesn’t seem to really believe he’s Superman or Christopher Reeve, but uses the likeness to his advantage to get ahead. Watch it and laugh, maybe cry, or maybe just say, “What a bunch of losers!”, but it’s sure to entertain you.

The Devil of Blue Mountain by K-Fleet

2008-01-21T22:41:00.000-06:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 0
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2

Two chicks leave the club and get pulled over by what they believe is a cop. They’re cuffed, frisked, gagged, and thrown in the trunk of his car. The car drives through the night, and stops in a wooded area. Here, the hooded assailant (wearing a burlap sack) ties their feet with rope, and nudges them at gun point (the least intimidating gun I’ve ever seen) through the woods.

While resting, Hoodie sneaks away to take a dump, but one of the girls gets out her cuffs, and makes a break for it. He catches up to her, gives her the “bitch betta recognize” slap, and takes her back to camp. In the meantime, the other girl has managed to get a hold of the gun, and tries to blast him, but a click with no boom is all she gets. He gives her the smack down, and they settle in for the evening.

The next day, he finds the perfect spot, tells them to disrobe, ties them to a tree, and gets a little gropage in the process. There, they wait, until a gorilla comes along, takes the bait, and gets blasted. Hoodie, now having shown his face, unties the girls, gives them each a wad of cash, and sends them on their way. He then takes a load off, and relishes in his victory, as he's defeated the beast that mauled his face sometime ago.

Quite an odd movie that I’m not sure I’ll ever really understand. Not that it's extremely complex, but what began as an exploitation movie, ended as a “What the hell was that all about?” Granted, the two chicks were pretty hot, and the gratuitous nudity helped keep the story going, or at least kept my attention, but the whole thing was just like, “Uh, okay, whatever.” If you like exploitive movies with apes, or at least a dude in a horribly fake gorilla suit, try The Beast (La Bete) by Walerian Borowczyk. An even odder movie that you'll definitely remember after watching.

I Am An Animal by K-Fleet

2008-01-15T23:42:00.001-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: 2, imitation animal blood
Nudity: 2, a naked protest
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 4
Memorable quotes:

“I could do nothing without all of you, and that’s the God’s honest truth.” The funny thing about this is that Ingrid claims to be an atheist. So, why would she refer to a God which she does not believe in nor recognize? Yet another marketing ploy for PETA?

Ingrid Newkirk, co-founder and president of PETA, is quite an interesting bird. She’s dedicated her life to saving animals, conducting undercover investigations for animal rights, and holding elaborate demonstrations to educate onlookers and humiliate those she’s determined are violators. ConAgra Foods of Ozark, Arkansas, a turkey supplier for Butterball, gets targeted, and after an extensive (PETA) investigation and public outing, they decide to sell off the account to a new supplier. Another victory for Ms. Newkirk. PETA has also used campaigns comparing animal slaughter to the killing of the Jews during the Holocaust. There seems to be no bounds to what this organization will do as they continue to use shock marketing to get their message across, whether it's relevant or not.

Ingrid also participates in a monthly outreach for dogs, providing food, shelter, and vet care where needed. She’s perfected her own form of euthanasia when animals cannot be saved, and claims that it’s a “happier” way to go because it’s unexpected.

This is a good documentary and should be watched if for nothing else than to see just how fanatical these folks are. Plus, Ingrid’s demands of what she'd like happen with her body after death is just straight bonkers. This chick is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

Gangsta Rap: The Glockumentary by K-Fleet

2008-01-04T14:43:00.000-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: none
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3
Memorable quotes:
In regards to the first song they ever did: “We was gon do Beat Your Momma With a Hammer, but we thought like F-ck that Bitch was a little bit mo’ commercial.”

In the same vein as CB4 and Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, Gangsta Rap: The Glockumentary will make you giggle. Murder Mike, Du Rag, and DJ Ballistics comprise the 40 year old gangsta rap group trying to make their comeback, but find it hard to ink a deal. Fat gold chains, jerry curls, perms, blunts, comedic parodies, and lots of profanity is what this film is all about. Sure, some scenes are straight ridiculous, but overall it’ll bring a few laughs for those who grew up in the 80’s and listened to West Coast rap.

2007 Movie of the Year: Antibodies from Dark Sky Films by K-Fleet

2008-01-02T14:59:00.000-06:00

Okay, so this is rehashed from a prior review I did, but out of everything I watched this year, this one takes the cake.

Based off the cover art alone, I expected big things for this, not to mention, it was released by Dark Sky Films, who although disappointed me with their last venture (Search and Destroy/The Glove), has put out some great films in the past and definitely redeemed themselves with this one.

Entertainment factor: 5

Blood: 2

Nudity: 3, full-frontal male and one topless female

Humor: 1, this is more on the serious tip

Minutes FF'ed Thru: 0

Other: In German with English subtitles

Memorable quotes:

"After dinner, you'll get your notebook and write, 'It's indecent to show my penis' 500 times."

"...relatives, friends, and show me who could kill a child!" The humor level in this is that Dark Sky also released the movie Who Can Kill a Child?, so I wonder if this was inspiration to pick up both titles.

This movie had elements of Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and American Psycho, among others. You can't go wrong when a movie begins with a naked man (not that I'm a fan but...) who blows a hole through a cop's chest with a sawed-off, double-barrel shotgun, and then smears blood on his face, like battle paint, and crashes through his front door (in the buff) to charge the rest of squad. In another scene, we see that he uses his victims blood to paint pictures of Christ's crucifixtion. The whole movie boils down to a mind screw, reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter, with a great storyline, dialog, and action that will keep you watching.

It may be coincidental, but the dark-colored blood is familiar with other German directors, Andreas Schnass and Andreas Bethmann. I haven't been this entertained since the movie Feed, so this is my mid-year nomination for movie of the year. Watch and be disgusted.

It's great that it had so much impact that I called it early on, but sad that there was nothing else to top it, or even come close in the other 11 months. Although, the more mainstream feature, Pan's Labyrinth, would run a close second.

Early 2008 potential gems from Dark Sky include: Tragic Ceremony (1972) and Ricco the Mean Machine (1973) available January 29th.

Dear Pillow by K-Fleet

2007-12-20T01:12:00.000-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: none
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3
Memorable quotes:
“Jerking off at work, how embarrassing is that?”

Dear Pillow is a dual-layered story about Wes’s ambition to lose his virginity, whether it be from a female co-worker, his Mexican landlady (Llorna), or the weird guy next door (Dusty), who writes erotic letters for Dear Pillow magazine. Wes is also on a quest to get his erotic stories published through Dusty’s tutelage.

Wes gets his story ideas from listening to his landlady’s phone conversations on his short wave radio and viewing his father’s porn collection. After sharing a story with Dusty, he thinks they should ask her permission to publish them, but Wes isn’t comfortable with that. Llorna gets wind of what he’s been doing, and approaches him in the laundry room. She then puts him on the spot and makes him tell her what he would do to her in bed. Dusty runs with his initial idea, and arranges a dinner date with everyone, where he breaks the news to Wes that he’s purchased the rights to a phone conversation.

Since Dusty is gay, and Wes has been spending a lot of time with him, his father fears that his son might have homosexual tendencies too. So, for his 17th birthday, he tries to take him to a strip club, but they're denied at the door because he's still too young. Wes then tries to reassure him that nothing has happened and there's nothing to worry about.

Dusty arranges for Wes to lose his virginity to Llorna on film, but she has a different idea, and that’s for Wes to have sex with her AND him. But, it doesn’t go as planned, so nothing happens. When Wes returns home, his father is pissed at him for being in his porn stash again, so he leaves and returns to Dusty's asking if he can stay there for the night. It’s eluded that they may share an intimate evening, but that’s where the movie ends.

I liked this movie, and although there was no nudity, which I thought there might be based on the film description and situations involved, it still managed to pull off a good story. Definitely worth checking out.

Thanks again to at Alex at Heretic for sending me a copy.

Cannibal Man by K-Fleet

2007-12-20T00:09:00.000-06:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 3
Nudity: 2
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

It seems like just another day at the slaughter house, as the movie opens with cows hanging upside down, their throats being slit, and buckets held below to catch the blood.

During an altercation, a taxi driver is (accidentally?) killed from repeated blows to the head from a rock. When it’s mentioned in the newspaper the next day, the killer’s girlfriend thinks they should turn themselves in. This idea isn’t welcomed, so he chokes her to death in fear of her snitching. He then tells his brother what he’s done, and is told again that he should turn himself in. Not happy with the advice, he knocks his brother in the head several times with a wrench. His brother’s fiancé comes poking around and gets a knife to throat, while her father, who’s investigating why his daughter hasn't make it home, takes a meat cleaver to the head. As the bodies pile up, so does the stench, so Marcos buys lots of air freshener and perfumes to try to cover it up.

A waitress, who has a fancy for him, drops by to cook dinner, but gets her head pounded into the wall after finding out too much. He stores all the corpses in his bedroom, cuts up what body parts will fit in a duffel bag, and takes them to work (the slaughterhouse) to discard. He meets a (bisexual?) friend who wants to help, but in the end, Marcos decides to turn himself in and returns home to wait for the police.

The first 30-45 minutes is where all the action takes place, kill after kill after kill. After hearing the first few phrases of dialog, it was obvious that something was missing, due to the horrible dubbing. And, even though I’m sure it was done to help attract a wider audience, I’d rather have watched it in the original language with subtitles. This is also a no-frills DVD, which along with no extras, also had no title menu at start-up, but it oddly became available once the feature was over and the credits ran.

This movie is kind of reminiscent of Maniac! and Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer, but the title doesn't fit as there isn't a single scene or even hint of cannibalism. It’s not the best movie Blue Underground has unearthed, but worth a watch for those with an insatiable thirst for early 70’s horror. For something a little better, try Bad Boy Buddy, Macabre, or Autopsy.

Orgasm Torture in Satan's Rape Clinic by K-Fleet

2007-12-19T22:18:00.000-06:00

WARNING-this movie and review is intended for mature audiences only and may contain sexual descriptions and references. Read at your own risk of being appalled.

Humor: 1
Blood: 1
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: 5-10 min.
Overall rating: 2

While getting ready for work at her rape clinic, Zoe Moonshine is attacked and strangled by a masked assailant, who then takes over the helm as the new doctor of the clinic. Darian Caine is his nurse and Ruby Larocca is their first patient. The doctor’s therapy for treating such a vile crime is delving into his own perversions with the patient through the guidance of The Dark Lord (Satan). After being felt-up by the doc, Ruby tries to flee, but is chloroformed and tied to the medical table. Nurse Caine shares the same perversion as the doc, and cuts off Ruby’s bra and panties and then fondles her. What follows are two different simulated dildoing scenes, one by the hand of Caine and the other is Larocca’s self-gratification. Ruby then suggests to Darian that they switch roles, and as Darian gets ready on the table, Ruby jabs a syringe into her neck. She then exits the room and while looking for an exit route, runs into the doc, who he uses a tuning fork to control her thoughts. He then babbles some jargon about/to Satan and that’s the end.

I’ve seen several other William Hellfire films, the best being Vampire Strangler, where young Misty Mundae has a real sex scene. This film, however, is fairly forgettable, as is most of his others, due to sub-par acting, long, drawn out softcore scenes, and ridiculous plots. But, there’s plenty of nakedness and even some crotch shots. The title may drawn you in, as it did me, and as hard as I tried to fight it, my curiosity got the best of me and I dropped the money for it. It sat in my house at least 6 months before I got a chance to watch it, and boy, it was not worth the wait. Clocking in at about 45 minutes long, Orgasm Torture in Satan’s Rape Clinic is another Hellfire failure that’s more like a high school film project, with nudity, than an actual feature. It’s not worth the cash, unless you can get it for like 5 bucks in a bargain bin, so just turn on late night cable and you’ll get the same effect, if not more.

Succubus (from Evil Motion Pictures) by K-Fleet

2007-12-19T13:19:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 5, it’s a porn, ya know
Minutes FF’ed thru: 15-20 minutes or so, mostly through sex scenes
Overall rating: 3

Horror-porn, aka gorenography, is a newer label to a genre that’s been around since the 70’s, if not before. Since normal movie comparison doesn’t hold, and almost every porn theme has been done, I use the following criteria to judge quality: was it erotic, did it have an interesting storyline, were the actors/actresses good looking, and was there good hardcore? Yeah, cheesy/stretched acting and horribly fake blood is to be expected, but weak money shots cannot be tolerated.

Succubus, not to be confused with Jess Franco’s movie by the same title, is about Lilith, a demoness who is unearthed at a construction site. Redhead goth queen, Liz Vicious, takes the leading role and begins her bloodshed from the moment she breathes new air. She takes out one worker with a shovel and then grinds on his dead body, the other gets the pleasure of boning her, but then dies from suckulation (if you know what I mean). She then continues her path of seduction and slaughter playing no favorites to gender. Raven Riley plays an antique collector/expert (hottest I’ve seen), who after seeing an article of the “accidents” in her hometown's newspaper, heads that way to find out more. We soon find out due to her lineage, she’s next in line to fight the succubus.

Raven hooks up with the chief of police, played by Kevin Baxter, who is also investigating the town’s deaths. They get busy in four different scenes, but sadly, each venture is less invigorating than the prior. Sure, Raven is hot, and homeboy is packing a big stick, but I would rather have seen her with more gents. And, Raven out-acts her counterpart, as most dialog from Kevin’s mouth seems unnatural and forced.

The finale, aka The Last Orgy (in my words), takes place at Uncle Joey’s Terror Town, where Lilith had been defeated and buried years before. Raven comes in looking like Tombraider, or rather Wombraider, and her partner, in full SWAT gear, takes his sniper position on the roof next door. Boom, bang, blood and body parts fly, Uncle Joey gets blown to pieces by a bazooka (quite humorous), and Lilith manages to escape. Raven, quick on her tail, catches up to her and falls under her seductive spell. They disrobe, share a lesbian adventure, and in the heat of the moment, Raven pulls out her phallus knife and shoves it up Lilith’s love hole. Ha, evil conquered once again! Or is she, as the ending scene (Raven and Kevin's last hurrah) hints otherwise.

As with many other films in the genre, this was plagued with the normal things, and even though the phallus knife and stripper taking a curling iron in the snatch were creative additions, it was not enough to keep my interest. Sure, Liz and Raven are both drool-worthy with their own allure, but all the other porn stars did absolutely nothing for me. And, when I thought I couldn’t get enough of Miss Liz Vicious, having viewed her website and pics numerous times before this, watching her sex scenes became tedious, and I even fast-forwarded through most of them to get back to the story. Oddly, because it’s usually the other way around.

It’s definitely worth a watch for Raven and Liz fans, as you’ll see ample nudity and hardcore, but don’t expect a masterpiece. Much thanks to Tom at Evil Motion for giving me a price break on the DVD, I look forward to more growth and features from this studio.

For more info visit:
www.evilmotionpictures.com
www.lizvicious.com
www.ravenriley.com

Splatter University by K-Fleet

2007-12-15T02:10:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

The blood starts pouring is in the first 3 minutes when an asylum worker takes a knife to the crotch and then his throat is sliced. At the 4.5 minute mark, a teacher gets stabbed with the same blade in her left boob. Welcome to Splatter University.

Julie Parker accepts a teaching position at a Catholic university to teach Intro to Sociology. Her students continually ignore her, make smart remarks, and run the class. She meets Mark, a fellow teacher, and they start dating, but Mark's past is a little questionable as he was involved with the chick that got her boob gouged.

Kathy, a student of Ms. Parker’s, thinks she might be knocked up, so she decides to break the news to her boyfriend at the drive-in. While trying to make out, they get bushwhacked by a guy with a flashlight, so tough guy, Johnny, gets out of the car to confront the asshole. Kathy follows, but can't find Johnny. When he returns to the car, he finds Kathy in the passenger seat with her throat cut.

In Julie's eyes, all signs point to Mark as the mass murderer, so she goes to his apartment to look for clues. There, she finds newspaper clippings of the slain, which further proves he’s the one. Shortly after, her friend is found dead in a closet in her classroom, another teacher gets a blade to the gut in the bathroom, and a student opens her closet door and gets jabbed in the mouth.

Julie takes her concerns to Father Janson, the head master, but come to find out, he's the one causing all the bodies to pile up. He believes he’s destined by God to get rid of the sins of the flesh. Mark hits the scene, finds Julie dead, and then goes to Janson's office where the finds blood around a crucifix on the wall. The scene then cuts to an asylum where Janson is in a straight jacket, and we find out then that he was an asylum escapee impersonating a priest.

Not a bad movie, but only Michael Myers can get away with using the same blade over and over again. The killings get a little redundant, and the blood color and splatter fluctuate with each victim. The audio is low-toned, so I had to crank it up so the dead could hear it. But, even with all it’s faults, it’s still tolerable to watch. I kept feeling that this movie had a Tromatic feel, so when doing research, I found out that the director, Richard W. Haines, was also involved with The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘Em High. It’s nothing great, but worth a rent, especially if you’re a fan of 80’s b-movies and pre-Toxie Troma.

The Girls of Tattoo U by K-Fleet

2007-12-12T00:58:00.000-06:00

WARNING-this movie and review is intended for mature audiences only and may contain sexual descriptions and references. Read at your own risk of being appalled.

Humor: 2
Blood: 0
Nudity: 3.5
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 4

I dropped 9 bucks on this DVD and can say it’s the best money I’ve spent in a while. Girls of Tattoo U is a film about six chicks who are willing to get tatted (and pierced) in the buff for our viewing pleasure.

(blonde) Sammie-she gets a tribal band to connect the other three tats on her lower back and right hip. She has some nicely pierced coconuts and a naughty shaven tweeter.

(brunette) Taryn-smaller in bust, but not quite as nice to look at as Sammie, gets an arrow-type design on her lower back, and also opts for the clean shaven snapper. The last stages of her tat were apparently the most painful, as her screams sounded like she was taking a big one up the wrong hole.

(funky, multi-colored hair (dreadlocks?)) Insomnia-wears a schoolgirl skirt, tight striped top, and black knee-high stockings with pink bows on the back. She has her right nip and lip pierced, and decides to get three stars behind her right ear, and her other nip and hood pierced. She’s bisexual and has a small landing strip down below.

(brunette w/ braids) Sabre-has both nipples pierced on her big jubblies and is also shaven. She gets a set of bat wings on her upper back. She's also bisexual, and has screwed a friend’s father and dated a 45 year old chick.

(fake blonde) Sarah aka Sundae-sports the Marilyn Monroe look, and has a set of smaller, pierced cha chas and the familiar hairless beaver. She has the Princess tattoo on her lower back that she got when she was 14, transformed into an ice cream sundae. She likes to be tied up when receiving pain, so has her ankles tied to the chair while getting inked.

(red and brown hair, shaven on one side) Bella-has multiple mouth and nose piercings, big fake jugs, and a shaven mound. She gets a skull design on her left arm to accompany her other tats, scarrings, and mutilations. She likes to have sex in public places as well as grimy ones (parks, abandoned warehouses, etc). For me, she was the least appealing of the chicks featured.

None of the chicks had a problem getting naked, nor showing off their goods, although some were more exhibitionary than others. All girls had at least one tat and several had belly rings. All were fair-skinned, probably due to their dwelling, Providence, Rhode Island, and all were willing to share sex stories. Kind of like Taxi Cab Confessions, except they knew they were being filmed beforehand.

Dennis E. Horton II and his wife, Tina, own and manage Kabloom Tattoo, the place where all the magic takes place. Dennis is the only 100% freehand tattooist in the state, and has a degree in graphic design. Tina is a cute brunette with a hot, natural body, and Dennis knew from the first time he saw her, that she was the one. The last tattoo done is Tina's torso piece which extends from the center of her chest down to her num-num. Nice!

This is a great flick and should be part of your collection. I highly recommend the film Modify to compliment this. Buy both today, and watch multiple times.

Amateur Porn Star Killer by K-Fleet

2007-12-11T22:44:00.001-06:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 2
Nudity: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: 15 min.
Overall rating: 2 for nudity alone

With a title like Amateur Porn Star Killer, you have my full attention. Then, when the first scene involves a pretty hot chick posing naked for the camera, and then having sex, I kept watching intently.

An 18 year old girl, who we later find out is supposedly 13, is picked up off the street, taken to a motel, coaxed into getting naked and having sex, and then is killed. Okay, sounds interesting for sickos like me, but for a film that could have offered much more to the snuff genre, it fails so miserably. Why, because it's an hour of nothingness. Just continual dialog, some nudity, more dialog, and then an hour or so and several minutes fast-forwarded later, an off the camera kill. What a ripoff! It’s like trying to watch a porno with a storyline, it just doesn’t work. It’s a simple formula: get naked, do the deed, talk minimal, in the case of a snuff film, torture/kill your prey, and then proceed to the next scene/victim. The girl got in the car with a total stranger and then willingly went to a motel with him, so what did she expect to happen? Probably not death, but doesn’t she watch TV? There are some real weirdos out there, geez.

Probably the most creative element of the entire film is the mini-screen that periodically pops up, which gives us a remembrance scene (a continuation of the opening scene as seen in the trailer), and sadly, is more entertaining than the feature.

Don't waste your time with this movie and don't be fooled by the trailer, as the main story doesn't even involve the chick that's featured. It's a cool title to use, but I keep pondering why they even named it this, because the storyline has nothing to do with a porn star, nor prostitute, just a juvenile looking for something to do and gets in a car with the wrong dude.

8MM dances circle around this movie, and The Great American Snuff Film was even more entertaining. And, if you've seen TGASM, you'll say, boy, then this movie must really suck! Good title, bad movie.

Coming soon, APSK 2, as seen on YouTube, Eekkk!

The Blood Shed by K-Fleet

2007-11-30T18:00:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: none
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2

Here we meet the Bullion family: Beefteena, Butternut, Hubcap, Papa (Elvis), cousin Sno Cakes, and Gramma. The Blood Shed follows a very familiar formula: inbred, backwoods folk who have cannibalistic tendencies.

Andy Shiffner, a local townsboy, enjoys heckling and demeaning Beefteena, but on this particular day, she's not having it, and calls in reinforcements. So, Andy gets torn in half during a Bullion Brother's game of tug-of-war. His body is then taken to the (blood) shed, where we see a reporter who's been caged up for snooping around the premise. Beefteena gains a liking for the sheriff, who comes looking for Andy, and after getting hit over the head by Papa, is tied to a pole and prepped to wed Beefteena. In order to quieten the resistance, Butternut takes a pair of channel locks, called the Stud Buster, and smashes one of the sheriff's nuts.

Beefteena is the most animated character, played by a 40+ year old dude, portraying to be a 12 year old girl, who acts like she’s (he’s) fresh out of drama class and trying to make it to Broadway. She’s also an aspiring model, and gets her chance to pose at a modeling agency after fronting a roll of cash. Teena is clowned through the whole experience and within minutes goes from overzealous to miserable. Her whimpering must have trumpeted the Bullion calvary, because the family shows up, kidnaps the employees, and takes them to their home. There, they join the other victims at Teena’s birthday party. A couple more death’s ensue, Gramma is unveiled, and then the credits roll, accompanied by a nice little ditty.

This movie attempts to be 100% camp, from the props to the costuming to the campy one-liners. It’s too bad it never really gets past ridiculous. I’m a big fan of camp, but when it’s no longer funny, or never even makes it to funny, and just seems like really bad acting, it becomes unenjoyable. With several very known actors to the b-horror movie circuit, it’s a wonder this wasn’t a better film. I think less camp and more originality was needed to offset the common themes seen in this type of movie. Too bad it will get lumped in with films like Bloodlines and Wrong Turn 2, which don’t make the cut.

Thanks to Alex Afterman from Heretic Films for sending me a copy. I hope my honesty doesn’t hinder getting future releases. :) :( A review for Dear Pillow coming soon.

Welcome to the Jungle by K-Fleet

2007-11-20T23:09:00.000-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 2
Nudity: hmmm, I truly can’t remember if there was any
Minutes FF’ed thru: none, but I kept waiting for something exciting to happen
Overall rating: 2

Two couples head to New Guinea to try to find out the truth behind the story of Michael Rockefeller, the son of Governor Nelson Rockefeller, who never returned from his journey in the jungle, but is rumored to have either been eaten by cannibals, or could still be living among them.

This is a Dimension Extreme release, need I say more? So, I waited about an hour and ten minutes to see what I call the “ode to Cannibal Holocaust” scene where a girl is impaled through her mouth and out the back of her head with a large bamboo stick, then left hanging for the bugs and animals to feed on. Pretty cool scene, and fairly believable, but came pretty late in the game, after having sat through what seemed like and hour or more of nothing but walking and bickering. Sad thing is, this movie wasn’t even as entertaining as Axel Rose in GNR’s Welcome to the Jungle video. Remember the hair and swagger?

When you compare yourself to Cannibal Holocaust, the king of all Italian cannibal movies, you’ve really gotta bring it. Instead, this did no justice to the cannibal genre, aka tribesploitation (thanks Smokeskrene), and should forever bury it’s head in a dung pile for even being mentioned in the same sentence. The Blair Witch Project reference, however, is dead on, as it’s right up there in quality.

So, go home, pull out Cannibal Holocaust or Cannibal Ferox, and watch them instead. Hell, you can even watch Slave/Mountain of the Cannibal God and I wouldn’t be mad at cha, but please walk away from this one, unless you believe the less than one minute of enjoyment is really worth it. Sorry Dimension, you’ve added another clunker to your catalog.

Blood Car by K-Fleet

2007-11-14T01:44:00.001-06:00

Humor: 3
Blood: 4
Nudity: 3, boobs pop out when you least expect it
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3
Memorable quotes:
“Put a taco in my mouth and your dick in my ass.”

You know a movie has the potential to be good when the DVD options are:
Watch This Fucker
More Shit About This Fucker
Scholarly Commentary

With gas prices reaching an all-time high, at over 32 bucks a gallon, Archie attempts to build an engine that runs off a wheat grass concoction. One night, while sulking in his failure, he cuts himself on a broken Vodka bottle. Well, some of his blood falls into the machine, and it almost instantly starts to run. So, he makes a bigger model, puts it in his trunk, and starts knocking people off to feed his car's hunger.

This is first time I’ve seen Anna Chlumsky since My Girl 2, although I'm sure she's been in others. She plays Lorraine, who has a big crush on Archie, and runs the wheat grass stand which he buys from daily. There's also the not-so-shy girl who runs the nearby meat stand, who digs Arch because he has a workable set of wheels, and is one of the first to help prove his invention works. But, the government gets wind of this, and want to market it, using vagrants, prisoners, and other throw-aways as fuel.

This is a pretty good movie with an original concept. I wonder how much more entertaining it could have been had it ran longer and added more plot (only clocking in at a mere hour and 16 minutes). Definitely worth a rent, since you can’t go wrong with random tits and blood splatter.

Sicko- A Michael Moore Documentary

2007-11-07T21:19:00.001-06:00

Humor: 2
Blood: None
Nudity: None
Minutes FF’ed thru: None
Overall rating: 3

It’s pretty simple, you either like Michael Moore or you hate him. I think he’s pretty entertaining, and although he stretches the truth for his own gain, he’s still good at what he does. I recently watched a couple of other documentaries (Michael Moore Hates America and Manufacturing Dissent) which show just how arrogant and uncaring he is, but nonetheless, it’s a hoot to watch him at work.

Okay, now to our feature presentation. Sicko is about how shitty the American Health Care system really is. Nationwide, we rank at #37, just behind Costa Rica, but just ahead of Slovenia. Where the hell is Slovenia, you ask? Exactly, that’s Mike’s point. As great of a nation as we are, we’re nowhere near the other powerhouses. Other countries offer free health care for everyone, no matter race, age, or health condition. Wouldn’t that be great, go to the doctor and not dread walking out feeling like you’re going to get bent over and ram-rodded with a splintery stick when the bill comes!! But, with all the lobbying and under the table money our paid representatives are getting, it’ll be a cold day in hell before anything changes.

Whether you like Mike or not, one thing’s for sure, the American Health Care system sucks green donkey dicks, and could give two shits less about it’s clients and patients. So, what are we to do, move to another country? That may very well be the answer, as it was for a few in this movie.

This documentary plays out as being more factual than others of Mr. Moore’s, but I’m sure still had some fabricated parts. But, it’s worth a rent, so give it a gander, then take a look at your health plan, if you're lucky enough to have one, and decide if telling this country to shove it is the way to go. See ya in England or France.

CRIMES OF PASSION (1985) BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-11-07T20:46:00.001-06:00

CRIMES OF PASSION (1985)

{overall rating}- * * * * *

{action}- There is a lot of action in this movie but its mostly Freudian.

{humor}- The role playing scenes are hilarious at times.

{nudity}- Kathleen Turner.

{blood}- There is some blood but its not really the point here.

{gore}- Very minor if you can count it at all.

{acting}- When you begin watching this (and you should) you'll be instantly nervous due to a cheesy Kathleen Turner role playing scene. Don't worry the acting improves almost instantly.

{plot}- The writing is simply amazing.

{film quality}- Typical Ken Russell quality, which I suppose is anything but typical.

{entertainment factor}- In the 5 star league.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Trust me you won't need to.

Bobby is a 30 year old man with wife who is cold and two children he loves very much. He is hired to investigate a woman who is believed to be selling corporate secrets. She does have a secret, but its not secrets she's selling. (It’s the worlds "oldest" profession.) Joann is a designer by day and hooker by night. She prides herself on being the best in both of her lines of work. Bobby ends up taking her up on her services and meanwhile a lunatic preacher wannabe begins to stalk her. Ken Russell makes amazing movies. This is by far the best. If you like Indie plots, exploitation's sexual absurdity and just great characters in general, this is for you. Annie Potts and Kathleen Turner are out of this world good. Its not often a film is this well written in today's world. If they were still making movies like this the screen writer strike would actually be justified. Don't take my word for it, OWN IT.

BASKET CASE BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-11-07T17:07:00.001-06:00

BASKET CASE

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- Very slim and cheesy.

{humor}- Lots of camp.

{nudity}- Male frontal and female topless.

{blood}- Yeah, one scene its particularly orange.

{gore}- Very decent gore.

{acting}- Its "B"ad but not bad enough to hurt the quality.

{plot}- Its still a pretty original idea that involves lots of predictable concepts to accompany it.

{film quality}- Not great. The dubbing is real rough in spots.

{entertainment factor}- The pacing is actually not bad.

Sometimes when I sit down to watch a cult classic I have to ask myself why the film receives this sort of status. Basket Case is a perfect example. Who thought a man with a deformed, claymation, separated, Siamese twin who seeks revenge against the people who removed it would end up still being remembered. I think what makes a film like this special is the amount of people who saw it and were like "Can you believe how lame that was." It’s the sort of cheese you have to tell your friends about and then show it to just so you know they understand. I don't think there's anything really wrong with this movie its just not good. What it does have going for it is that its just fun. Rent it. Or Duane Bradley's brother may come a knockin' on your door.

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-11-07T10:40:00.000-06:00

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- Oh yes.

{humor}- This movie is never hilarious but it does have some funny moments.

{nudity}- Wasn't required.

{blood}- Tons.

{gore}- Oh yes.

{acting}- So/so. More than gets the job done.

{plot}- As K-Fleet told me "They should of called it 'Zombies on a plane'"

{film quality}- The cinematography and just film quality in general is real nice, however, the exterior shots of the plane are all bad.

{entertainment factor}- Very entertaining.

A passenger flight is carrying some interesting cargo. A woman who's been intentionally infected with a virus, designed for the army, that would allow soldiers at war to die and continue fighting. There's really not a lot of plot here so lets get to the nitty gritty. This movie has great gore and pacing. While the plot is very simple the execution is brilliant. You remember jumping when you watched Independence day and the doctor slams against the lab window and the alien squeezes his throat to talk to the president. This movie will legitimately make you jump out of your seat over and over. Its not like the slasher films in the 80's. The zombies never come from where you expect and they don't overplay their hand in terms of making you look for it. This lack of suspense makes these moments more frightening because they're completely unexpected. The script is not genius. Its execution is. The only thing the filmmakers have to apologize for is the horrible scenes outside of the plane such as the zombie and the engine. These effects are the only thing that stopped this movie from a nationwide release in theatres, but even with the effects it still blows away the zombie movies cluttering the big screen so far this year. OWN IT.

Shout out to www.houseofhorrors.com for making me their contest winner and sending me a free copy. To cool.

RETURN IN RED BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-11-05T15:50:00.001-06:00

RETURN IN RED

{overall rating}- *

{action}- Lord I wish.

{humor}- Lord I wish.

{nudity}-Not even a little.

{blood}- Yesth Yesth.

{gore}- Not that I saw.

{acting}- Much better than the movie itself.

{plot}- See below...

{film quality}- Its okay.

{entertainment factor}- Borrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- The last say 30-40 mins. I gave in.

A mysterious van is driving around with a device that makes a loud humming sound that disorients people. Its almost as if someone is deliberately torturing the people of this rural community. (Not just by messing up their TV's frequencies, that’s just annoying.) Now the only person who seems to be catching on is the TV repairman and a child fan of his who's mother is one of the afflicted. This movie has a nice concept but just never really delivers anything. I really liked the concept but it was just too dry and the director never gives you a reason to care. The only scene even worth watching is the mother walking into her own door over and over again because its not unlike the feeling this movie gives you. I now need someone to scramble my brains with electromagnetic pulses so I forget watching this movie. Problem is I'd probably end up trying it again. Don't be fooled, this is not "I DRINK YOUR BLOOD."

KINGDOM OF THE VAMPIRE BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-11-05T00:05:00.001-06:00

KINGDOM OF THE VAMPIRE (2007)

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- Few and far between but well done where attempted.

{humor}- Its sort of campy for being modern. It does have some intentional humor.

{nudity}- Sorry, no.

{blood}- Yes.

{gore}- Your usual meaty throat rips and such. Not bad but very cheap. I admire film makers though who make cheap effects look good. Brett Kelly does.

{acting}- Production can make acting seem bad. I think this is the case here. Very descent acting.

{plot}- It’s a great concept. The whole idea of the kid who should want to be a vampire actually being one and hating it is pretty original. There are some dialog type continuity errors. There is one scene with the sheriff that is painful.

{film quality}- Whatever they're filming on (I'm guessing digital) is fuzzy in darkness. Its very annoying on an HD TV.

{entertainment factor}- Honestly no one will ever believe me, but this is very entertaining.

Jeff (Brett Kelly also the director) is a douche that works in a video store. (Not unlike myself realistically.) The difference between Jeff and I is that Jeff's mom's has a hankering for girl scouts. (Not in a molester sort of way.) They are both vampires. His spankings come from a cross. (No really, a cross.) Jeff defends a girls honor in his video store and becomes infatuated with her. Which is good, she wants him. She "doesn't take just any video store clerk back to her pad." Apparently she will sleep with the ones she does. (Not in a "zzz's" sort of way.) Now Jeff finds himself torn between mommy vamp and the girl who has made him smitten. I would say that realistically I like about 1 out of every 12 horror, indie, brain damagesque films. I would definitely recommend this as a rent for anyone who likes this style, but most mainstream horror fans will not get or enjoy this movie. However, if you like a good concept and some "not always" bad acting you'll be entertained. I would of recommended a larger kill count and some gratuitous nudity.

THE LAST SEDUCTION BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-11-03T20:43:00.000-05:00

THE LAST SEDUCTION

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- Very nice punch.

{humor}- It has great little lines. Like "Did you tell her about the black man." "I am hung like a horse." "I borrowed money from a man who's first and last name end in vowels."

{nudity}- Brief at best.

{blood}- Maybe a little but not enough to count.

{gore}- Nope.

{acting}- Peter Berg is still a little rough around the edges but its good. Nothing Oscar worthy by far.

{plot}- Smart plot. Bad writing for the most part.

{film quality}- 90's. Cinematography is very TVish. That’s not a good thing.

{entertainment factor}- Incredibly dry. But its still enjoyable.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Zero.

As a rule I don't often watch Bill Pullman films. There are a few (very few) exceptions, but it’s a good rule. I watched The Last Seduction more to quiet it from my Netflix suggestions than enjoyment. I am a fan of Linda Fiorentino. Who doesn’t like Peter Berg? Who will like this movie? Bill Pullman is a schmuck who gets lucky on a one time drug deal. He then makes the mistake of hitting his dominant wife played by Linda Fiorentino. She leaves with the money and sets out to start a new life. This involves fornication with Peter Berg and a new job in a small town. Peter Berg is even more of a schmuck than Bill Pullman. Peter and Linda have a roll reversal going on. She is the dominant with a "male" sort of sex drive. Peter has a need for intimacy and just wants to talk after sex once and a while. Bill Pullman is desperately trying to seek out Linda because a loan shark is breaking minor parts such as his thumb. This movie is sort of built up as a erotic thriller (hence the title,) but its not very erotic or thrilling. This film tries to be intelligent. The setup and concepts are but the dialog and basic pacing hurt it. The answer is I like this movie. Rent it.

OCTOBER ISSUE NOW AVAILABLE

2007-11-01T00:19:00.000-05:00

Halloween has finally come and past. This months issue is packed with flicks and treats. Enjoy THE OCTOBER ISSUE.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2 -3-

"...it just doesn’t amuse you often enough to truly be worth your money. Rent this." -Smokeskrene

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS -4-

"From up skirt teasing to lipstick tubes in nipples and the most horrible 80’s character stereo types yet." – smokeskrene

Resident Evil Extinction -3-

"The only thing stopping this from being a more legitimate three star is a good script and better effects." – smokeskrene

THE CURSE (1987) -4-

"Some people will write this off prematurely but I loved it." – smokeskrene

BAD REPUTATION

"I Spit On Your Grave meets Heathers." – smokeskrene

SCHOOL OF THE UNHOLY BEAST -4-

"This one will awe and offend people of all ages." – smokeskrene

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD II

"Settle for ROTLD II on Halloween when everyone has rented out the cult favorites" – smokeskrene

SHANGHAI KISS -3-

"Rent it for a good laugh and Hayden’s pretty face." – K-FLEET

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR

"This movie is in the same vain as Don’t Look in the Basement, but not as good." – K-FLEET

LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN -3-

"its long, contains nudity, a bad soundtrack and a LSDesque atmosphere." – smokeskrene

EVIL ALIENS -4-

"There is no reason this movie is good, but it is. Jake West may have a future in this business." – smokeskrene

HALLOWEEN II -3-

"Michael walks around and picks people off until he can find lil' sis." – smokeskrene

HALLOWEEN (1978) -5-

"The boogeyman and the suburbs. Seems played out now but was a pretty fresh concept then." - smokeskrene

28 WEEKS LATER -3-

"Full of very fast paced action." - SMOKESKRENE

BLACK SHEEP -3-

"It’s definitely worth a watch, but unfortunately, will not make the list of the best independent movies of the year." – K-FLEET

WRONG TURN 2 -3-

"There is very little originality, and although it can be pleasing to gorehounds" – K-FLEET

CHILD'S PLAY -3 1/2-

"This movie will never be considered the greatest horror film by anyone, but it is a good movie." – SMOKESKRENE

AMERICAN MOVIE -5-

"my pick for greatest documentary of all time." – SMOKESKRENE

ALICE SWEET ALICE -4-

"If you can find it for under 15 bucks, buy it" – K-FLEET

MAXED OUT -4-

"Maxed Out is a great documentary about how American’s continue to live in debt." – K-FLEET

HAVOC 2; NORMAL ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR -4-

"This movie is watchable, but if you want other titles that are more enjoyable, watch Kids, Bully, or Thirteen." - K-Fleet

BELIEVERS (2007) -3-

"Hats off to the director for making a much better movie than his first, The Blair Witch Project." K-Fleet

HABIT -3-

"This is not your typical stylized vampire movie." – K-Fleet

MURDER PARTY

"It’s worth a rent," – K-Fleet

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS -4-

"Rob. You can make great lines and sequence action in a way that not many directors can these days. Just quit trying to write a horror opus. Its not you. Making good movies could be though, and Devil's Rejects is proof." - smokeskrene

HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES -3-

"It's easy to poke endless holes in this horror movie. Its hard to watch it and not enjoy it." -smokeskrene

EATEN ALIVE (Mangiati Vivi) -4-

"This movie follows the formula for Cannibal movies and does it better than most." – smokeskrene

POLTERGEIST -4-

"As far as house haunting films go this is second only to its sequel." – SMOKESKRENE

I DRINK YOUR BLOOD -3-

"This movie has great potential but just barely squeaks past the 2 mark." – smokeskrene

BURIED ALIVE -3-

"I think I liked this because it had all the major elements of slasher movies: blood, a relentless weapon-bearing villain, and nudity." – K-FLEET

OROZCO: THE EMBALMER -4-

"Highly recommended for any fan of real life shockumentary." – K-FLEET

FIDO -3-

"Seriously imagine a Lassie movie where all the dogs are replaced by zombies." – SMOKESKRENE

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS -4-

"Even if you're completely unfamiliar with his work this movie will entertain you." – Smokeskrene

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-26T13:23:00.000-05:00

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- Not really.

{humor}- This movie is very funny in a pathetic way. You'll want to laugh then feel bad for it almost immediately.

{nudity}- Not that I recall. Lots of beautiful actresses though.

{acting}- Absolutely top notch.

{plot}- This is basically the story of just his stardom and decline. It doesn't spend a lot of time in his early life or rise to celebrity status.

{film quality}- Very nice for an HBO production.

{entertainment factor}- The pace can be a little slow.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- None.

Peter Sellers was well known for playing the Pink Panther. The story of his life was even more entertaining than these classic movies. Sellers had a wife and family much like normal people. However unlike normal people he lived in a sort of dream state that blurred the lines of his reality so much that he lost touch with who he was and started becoming his characters. He was absolutely insane. You'll love him you'll hate him. Geoffrey Rush embodies the idea of what Peter Sellers' home life might have been like. Even if you're completely unfamiliar with his work this movie will entertain you. The things that come out of Sellers mouth are absolutely mind boggling.

EXPERIMENT IN TORTURE BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-26T12:18:00.000-05:00

EXPERIMENT IN TORTURE

{overall rating}- *

{action}- Too fast, Too close, camera shakes too much.

{humor}- There is an occasional funny line.

{nudity}- Almost immediately. All nudity is non sexual.

{blood}- Yes.

{gore}- No.

{acting}- Not as bad as most movies on this level but bad.

{plot}- blah

{film quality}- So good you can see a strippers mustache.

{entertainment factor}- ZEROOOOO

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- So much its unmeasurable.

A bunch of strippers are hired to film a fetish movie for the weekend. Surprise, surprise they start getting killed off one by one. Then there is the betrayal amongst the killers and blah blah blah. The direction of this movie is so bad its not worth

FIDO BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-26T10:53:00.000-05:00

FIDO

{overall rating}-* * *

{action}- There isn't really a whole lot of action for the amount of gore.

{humor}- It’s a chuckle the whole way through kind of movie but it doesn't really cross that line of making you laugh.

{nudity}- Nope. I was desperately hoping the mother and fido would get it on. But no. Is it wrong to want zombies to get some love? I think not.

{blood}- Yes.

{gore}- Yes.

{acting}- Very well cast movie.

{plot}- Imagine that Lassie were a zombie.

{film quality}- The color in this movie is absolutely amazing.

{entertainment factor}- Its aight.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- none

Imagine a world where you have to work hard to pay for a funeral where they will bury your head separately so you don't have to worry about a company called Zombicon turning you into a zombie slave. Fido is one of these slaves. Fido is bought by a family who's father doesn't like zombies nor want one. The father works so hard and worries so much about his family's funerals that he neglects his son, and neglects his wifes sexual urges. So fido becomes the son's best friend and mother's dancing partner. You will really really want to like this movie but they don’t exactly make it easy for you. The pace is horribly slow. The kill count is extremely small for a zombie movie. Most of the characters were written to be unlikeable and in a round about way it makes the movie very hard to like. Fido does have an interesting concept that will make you smile. Just don't expect to bust a gut laughing. Seriously imagine a Lassie movie where all the dogs are replaced by zombies. Seriously "What's that boy, Timmy is tied to a tree!?!? ZOMBIES!!!"

Orozco: The Embalmer

2007-10-25T01:03:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 4, graphic nudity of corpses
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Other: In Spanish with English subtitles
Overall rating: 4
Memorable quotes:
In reference to embalming a baby:
Orozco: Look at this little shit! Now I knife it, it’s a sin.
Lady: Do me a favor.
Orozco: Why not, bitch.

Orozco was Bogota, Columbia’s premiere embalmer, having been in the business for over 40 years and having done over 50,000 people (5-10 bodies a day). He charged from 10,000-50,000 Columbian pesos, which on the high end at the time of filming (1996-1998) was about $50, and today equals about $25.

In the first scene, we see Orozco embalm an overweight woman. He slices open her belly, removes the organs, turns her over to drain, washes the body with a water hose, drains her again, then puts her organs back in. He pours about half a bottle of liquid in her body cavity, adds a sheet to make her look fuller, then sews her up. He puts a rag in her mouth, and cotton in her nose, finalizing the process before dressing her. He’s interrupted with a dead infant, which he sits on top of the dead woman. (Note the dialog above) He then holds up the baby corpse for the camera to see, proceeds to put cotton in it’s mouth and nose, and then returns it to it’s coffin. He then finishes the woman by dressing her.

Another lady goes through the same process, but he puts her organs in a bag before returning then to the body cavity. In order to transport the body to the coffin, he uses a belt around the corpse’s neck to assist him. Another guy he gets had an autopsy done, so he has to reopen the body cavity, only to find that the brain had been removed, and put inside with the organs. I’m not sure if this is a standard medical practice in the U.S., but it was pretty freaky when I saw it.

A rival embalmer criticizes Orozco’s technique, and shows how he uses a butcher knife to help close the eyes, and then fills the empty brain cavity with newspaper, then sews the skin and hair back on. His surefire method allows bodies to last for 20 days to one month without any stink or decomposition. He then applies cosmetics, and clothes the body, putting the under garments over the plastic covering the body incision.

The director shows a lot of imagery of the gritty life in Columbia, where death just seems so nonchalant. I’ve seen a few embalming videos, and even considered the profession, but Orozco’s methods seem so crude and uncaring. Maybe that’s just the way it is in Columbia, a gritty burial for a gritty country. I can only imagine how cruder it gets in other countries, but what ever happened to preserving life the way the Egyptians did? Please mummify me and bury me with all my worldly possessions so I can use them in the afterlife. :) This is a great documentary, but pretty tough to find and can set you back about 40-60 bucks. Highly recommended for any fan of real life shockumentary.

Buried Alive (2007)

2007-10-24T20:48:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3, you can’t go wrong with a bathtub full of it
Nudity: 3, let's run naked through the woods
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

Ahhh, another Dimension Extreme release, get your waders cause shit could get deep. As I mentioned before, anytime you see with the red and white banner doning Dimension Extreme, be very cautious in what you’re picking up, as it could deceive you into thinking it’s a great movie. Surprisingly, Buried Alive was a pretty good, and actually kept my interest, although there was nothing earth-shattering in story, or outside-the-box creatively. Maybe it was just the hot blonde’s jubblies that kept me watching….naw, it actually was a decent movie, one of which I will add to my collection.

This is the story of a Native-American woman who was buried alive by her husband. She wore an amulet that protected her from evil. Well, several generations later, this necklace is found by a descendant and given to his favorite female cousin. So, they decide to take a weekend trip to the uncle’s abandon cabin, and maybe check out the old gold mine that accompanies it, which is overseen by Lester (Tobin Bell from the Saw movies). So, who comes along for the ride? The nerd who helped do research on the uncle’s place, the cousins, the cousin’s boyfriend, and 2 sorority pledges (cow and dog). Who knew what was lurking in the basement, but an undead axe-wielding aunt hellbent on revenge? The group starts seeing her in windows and mirrors, then soon meet their demise by her axe. The only three survivors are the two cousins, and the brunette pledge who happens to have a tattoo of the amulet on her neck, thus protecting her. But, the amulet is nabbed by old lady axe, and she buries her two kin alive in the same coffin she came out of.

I think I liked this because it had all the major elements of slasher movies: blood, a relentless weapon-bearing villain, and nudity. For me, it was much better than Black Sheep and Broken, DE’s last two releases. It’s definitely worth a rent, and now let’s see if Welcome to the Jungle (11-13-07) can live up to the hype it’s getting. It’s compared to the king of all Italian cannibal movies, Cannibal Holocaust. Eeekk, those are big shoes to fill!

I DRINK YOUR BLOOD BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-24T10:59:00.000-05:00

I DRINK YOUR BLOOD

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- There is a rat hunt!

{humor}- I would go so far as to say this film is funny even on a camp level.

{nudity}- Within seconds. They could of picked a prettier alter.

{blood}- It's a little too orange than too sugary red. It looks good when there is no direct lighting. These people need to test their blood on white cloth first.

{gore}- Some nice, some not. In reflection it feels as though it broke even.

{acting}- "That 'L' stuff that makes you crazy." It could be the lines but the delivery is bad either way.

{plot}- Charles Manson and the Spahn Ranch gang takeover Yoder.

{film quality}- Not great. The cutting of this movie was obviously rushed or over done.

{entertainment factor}- Tolerable.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Nun.

A local girl is raped by a group of hippy style Satan worshiping nomads. Her grandpa goes to get revenge with a shotgun, but instead end up dosed on some thing they call "L S D." If you don't know about this strange substance they'll take a minute to explain it to you like an after school special. The grandson decides to get revenge by taking blood from a rapid dog and injecting it into meat pies that get sold to the hippies. Now instead of worrying about all that "Satan" business they're worried about hiding from water and slaying people with axes. And who knew that rabies was also an STD. This movie is a really great idea and at times its very entertaining. The acting of the grandson repeatedly kills the momentum of this film. The action sequences and run in's with the rapids will sort of have you scratching your because there obvious cutting. This movie had great potential but just barely squeak past the 2 mark.

POLTERGEIST BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-23T12:12:00.000-05:00

POLTERGEIST

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- A few nice sequences such as the escape from the pool/mud hole.

{humor}- Its funny to see Craig T. Nelson and JoBeth sharing some doobies.

{nudity}- Not in this one, however, you do get to see some JoBeth Williams camel toe.

{blood}- A little but its really not that kind of horror movie.

{gore}- See above.

{acting}- Domminique Dunne is the only weak spot in this movie and she's really not that bad. Probably why she was written out of the sequel.

{plot}- Typical haunted house story better thought out.

{film quality}- Very nice. Very typical of Spielberg produced projects.

{entertainment factor}- Very easy to watch.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Zero.

Steve Freeling is a real estate salesman who's helping pioneer the whole concept of neighborhoods where every house is a cookie cutter of the one next to it. Little does he know that his house in the development has a score to settle. Late one night his daughter watches a TV that’s gone to fuzz and soon "They're herree." Little things begin happening such as bent spoons and chair pyramids, but nothing could prepare them for what would happen next. The closet eats their daughter. Now the only reassurance that they have that she's still alive is the sound of her voice on the fuzzy channels and a bossy midget exorcist. It is easy to like Spielberg's writing but most might think that Tobe Hooper is not the person to direct this. However, this is one of the 3 movies that I like by Hooper. (The other two are both Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies.) As far as house haunting films go this is second only to its sequel. Which ironically has a different director.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-23T10:49:00.001-05:00

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3

{overall rating}- * *

{action}- Nice car chase. Not really.

{humor}- None. They weren't going for that but in this serious its greatly missed.

{blood}- Yes, it's too thin though.

{gore}- The ideas are great like tarman just not as well put together.

{nudity}- Melinda Clark.

{acting}- Very very "B."

{plot}- I call it "Pet Cemetery of the Living Dead."

{film quality}- Along the lines of a Wishmaster sequel.

{entertainment factor}- Pretty good pacing.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- none.

Curt is a military kid. He steals his dads credentials to show his girlfriend Mindy (Melinda Clark from the OC) a top secret military operation which involves the infamous canisters. After wrecking his motorcycle and accidentally killing his girlfriend he takes her back to make her live again. They escape the military facility and rush off to find her something to eat. They end up in a convenience store robbery and run from the police as Mindy discovers what she's hungry for is human flesh. Let the creation of lots of zombies commence. Minus the gore and nudity and what you have here is almost a made for TV zombie movie. Something of Sci-Fi wet dreams. This is a movie with a great idea that just lacks both the humor and the creativity of the first two. Its like suddenly we're supposed to take the evil canisters seriously and they just don't have the elements it takes to be serious. This one is still almost worth watching but like most sequels it just lacks the charisma of the original. Especially since its once removed from it in order. I would actually compare this more to Evolution without humor than the original Return Of The Living Dead.

EATEN ALIVE BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-20T20:22:00.001-05:00

EATEN ALIVE (Mangiati Vivi)

{overall rating}-* * * *

{action}- Yummy yummy yummy got humans in the tummy.

{humor}- Not so much.

{blood}- Within a minute.

{gore}- Arm wrestling with blades is such a neat idea. Try it sometime.

{nudity}- Good lord yes.

{acting}- Really excellent for this sort of film even though the dubbing is wretched at times.

{plot}- CANNIBALS RAWWRRRR. Its typical for the genre.

{film quality}- Ever seen cannibal ferox? This is a much much better transfer.

{entertainment factor}- Its put together well enough it flies by.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-zero

People begin dying from darts covered in cobra venom. These incidents lead to the discovery of a cult that is in the process of creating a "utopian" society. Sheila ventures into the jungle with a mercenary to find her sister Diana. Sheila is a rich blonde with the kind of 70's beauty that would drive even the tamest cannibal mad. When they arrive to the village they are not exactly welcomed warmly by a "guy who looks like a criminal." (most of this dialog is criminal.) They end up drudging through the jungle looking for another village where her sister susposedly is. "Up shit creek without a paddle" as the mercenary says. As they're making their way the come upon a young tribe girl being raped and then "EATEN ALIVE." The next day as they are running from a cannibal they find the village of Jonas. (Ironically that's my fish's proper name, although he goes by Tiny 3-Spot.) Jonas is a weird looking guy with a robe that’s too low cut for a man. (He's not got any cleavage it doesn't serve him well.) If I were looking for a relative the first thing I would do upon meeting the last person they were known to be with is ask where that relative were. They get the tour first. They are having a funeral on this particular day of a villager who lost his wife. That’s when Sheila see's her topless, and well endowed, sister amongst a group of topless well endowed sisters (of this particular faith.) The brothers of the deceased have sex with his widow as part of the funeral service. Did I mention its on a bed of his ashes? This movie follows the formula for Cannibal movies and does better than most. I recommend this for anyone who likes tribesploitation. (DID I INVENT A GENRE TERM?!? SOMEONE VERIFY.)

The Other Conquest (La Otra Conquista)

2007-10-19T16:07:00.001-05:00

Humor: none, this is a drama
Blood: 2
Nudity: 3, naked natives
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2.5
Other: In Spanish with English subtitles

This movie is about the Spanish-Christian conquest of a small Aztec settlement in 1520. Friar Diego leads the spiritual crusade while Captain Cristobal Quijano commands his band of soldiers. A statue of Mother Goddess is replaced with one of The Virgin Mary. Topiltzin, a son of Moctezuma, is reluctant to adopt the new religion, and hits Friar Diego in the head with a stone. His brother gives him up in exchange for money, but Top’s life is spared by his sister, who has influence over the ruler of the land, Don Hernando Cortes. In return, Top is sentenced to 33 lashes and must renounce his faith. During the ceremony, his guilt-ridden brother tries to kill Cristobal, but gets his head cut off by a nearby soldier.

The story then jumps to five years later where Tomas (Topiltzin) appears to be a devout pupil of the church. In order to save their blood, Tomas and his sister meet in secrecy and have sex. Friar Diego witnesses this, and requests she be sent away, so he can save Tomas’s soul. Tomas remains true to his upbringing, but tries to play the part of a Christain convert. He grows a fondness for the Virgin Mary statue, seeing her as Mother God. One night, overcome in feeling, he steals the statue and willingly falls to his death while tightly holding her. Friar Diego finds the body, and has a scribe note how two different worlds can coexist through tolerance.

The dialog, acting, costuming, and set designs feel unnatural and staged. I’ve always been interested in other religions beliefs and rituals, but this was a disappointing portrayal. Watch Apocalypto or something on the History Channel instead, and don't believe the hype that you read on the trailer.

HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-19T15:52:00.001-05:00

HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES

{overall rating}-* * *

{action}- LOTS. The greatest gun shot ever. Seriously the pause shot is genius.

{humor}- This movie is so bad that its campy funny. Funny since its so modern.

{blood}- Run rabit.

{gore}- Yesth.

{nudity}- Rob Zombie slightly pimps out his wife. Not a bad thing.

{acting}- Bad. Very bad.

{plot}- There isn't one. Not much makes sense in this movie its all about a feeling. Fear.

{film quality}- I remember thinking in the theatre that it wasn't quality film but it is quality execution of the resources they have. Very nice.

{entertainment factor}- It grips you as fast as it looses you.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Zero

2 guys and 2 girls are on a trip to write news stories about off the beaten path attractions. Its on this trip that they find Captain Spaulding's Murder Ride. (And gas station.) They go off to find the tree of Dr. Satan who they learn about on the ride. Next thing you know they are in a house that makes Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like sesame street. The acting is bad the plot is non existent but its so visual it takes over. House of A 1000 Corpses is the movie every horror fan would make if they were going to throw a quick script together. Too many monsters. Too much weirdness for the sake of being weird. No continuity. To elaborate, sometimes this movie is too visual and too relentless. What happens if you want to make movies but you are only making a movie? You end up with a script that has 20 heels that seemed to be wedged in every possible corner. Second, if you want to make a character seem evil and you don't know how to set up proper dialog to display this, just include pointless random scenes that have absolutely no meaning where they talk about how much they like killing. It's easy to poke endless holes in this horror movie. Its hard to watch it and not enjoy it. If it’s a tribute to exploitation and horror you want, here... you get.

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

DEVIL'S REJECTS

{overall rating}-* * * *

{action}- Yes and very well paced.

{humor}- If you're sadistic you'll laugh a lot. My girl friend did.

{blood}- Lots of blood. Nicely colored.

{gore}- Very nice axe shot.

{nudity}- Muff anyone?

{acting}- Much better than the first.

{plot}- Barely existent.

{film quality}- Well made.

{entertainment factor}- Its sort of here and there.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-zero

Devil's Rejects finds your stars of House Of A Thousand Corpses on the run from an officer who's brother they killed in House. Let's just cut to the chase on this one. Rob Zombie is a brilliant director. He set's up great shots. Zombie executes very well. He understands the pacing of horror much better than most directors on their second film. What he is missing though is great writing. The plots of his movies get easily lost in the cinematography and exploitative nature of the film in general. This movie is better than the first because the pacing and general layout has gotten better. Way to learn from your mistakes. Next time have a real writing team put your movie together for you and then just expand on their ideas, Rob. You can make great lines and sequence action in a way that not many directors can these days. Just quit trying to write a horror opus. Its not you. Making good movies could be though, and Devil's Rejects is proof.

Murder Party

2007-10-19T05:52:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood/Gore: 3
Nudity: 2, three naked, airbrushed ladies
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3
Memorable quotes:
Chris- “I dumped myself.”

It’s Halloween night, what better things to do than go trick or treating, rent scary movies, or go to a party?

While on his way home from the store, Christopher finds an invitation on the ground to a “Murder Party.” With nothing better to do, he makes a gladiator-style costume out of cardboard and duct tape, and heads to the address listed. Upon arrival, he sees five others in costume, waiting. Little does he know, that HIS murder is the theme of this party.

Sky-zombie cheerleader
Paul-19th century vampire
Bill-dead baseball player
Macon-wolfman
Lexi-space girl
Alexander-19th century vampire

Sky dies after falling off a box and hitting her head on a chunk of metal. The leader, Alexander, and his drug dealer, Zycho, arrive, so Sky’s body is quickly stashed in a freezer so they won’t see it. Even though each person gives Alex their vision of how Chris should be murdered, he decides that stabbing him until death, at midnight, is the best way to show their artistic expression.

Chris escapes, but is caught and tied back up. A game of truth or dare is played after injecting a drug called the truth serum, which then leads to an open telling of secrets. Paul’s assistant then arrives to help with the filming of Chris’s murder.

The wolfman goes outside for a smoke, and while trying to light a cigarette with his alcohol-drenched mask on, he sets himself ablaze. This is where all hell breaks loose.

Zycho shoots Paul and his assistant per Alex’s request. The wolfman, having somewhat recovered, attacks Zycho with an electric chainsaw because he’s trying to kill Lexi. Bill, although fairly recluse up to this point, plants an axe in Lexi’s head, and then starts hacking up Alex. Chris gets free again, and makes a run for it, finding a way out through the roof. While running across building tops, he ends up joining another party. Bill comes after him with the axe, and takes out anyone that gets in his path. The wolfman comes after Bill with the chainsaw, but loses balance and falls off the roof. Bill catches up with Chris and proceeds to try and kill him, but Chris gets the wolfman’s dangling chainsaw, and takes Bill out.

After a long night, he heads home in his blood-drenched cardboard armor and rests in front of the TV.

This has the same style of humor as Night of the Living Dorks. I chuckled a few times, but never an outright laugh. The story is fairly unique, but not always the best executed. And, almost every scene tries to be camp. It’s worth a rent, as is Night of the Living Dorks, but don’t expect to bust a gut or piss yourself in laughter.

Inner Depravity Volume 1 & 2

2007-10-18T19:53:00.000-05:00

Inner Depravity V1&2 are my type of sick and twisted films, with photos to accompany. Although film shorts, with a running time of about 10 minutes a piece, they seemed to quench my thirst, yet further my curiosity. You’ll just have to watch them to understand. They may sicken you, gross you out, or merely disgust you, but for an amateur to do such a great job with probably no budget is astounding. Thanks to Rue Morgue for bringing this to my attention! You can catch it at: www.innerdepravity.com. WARNING! Very explicit content! Notice the ode to Strangeland?

Habit (1997)

2007-10-18T13:44:00.000-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 3
Nudity: 3, mostly Anna
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3

Sam, whose father has recently passed away, and whose girlfriend has broken up with him due to his alcohol abuse, meets Anna at a party. He grabs the wrong coat on the way out and has to go back in, so Anna gives him her number and leaves. The next day, Sam’s unable to find the number, and with the constant thought of her, attempts to track her down. He bumps into her at the city carnival, and they spend the rest of the evening together. At the end of the night, they start making out, and she gives him a hand job. He wakes up in a wooded area with his pants halfway down, and has blood on his mouth from being bitten.

Sam and Anna have frequent get-togethers, usually accompanied by Anna biting and drinking his blood during sex. Odd, yes, but somewhat exhilarating. She continues to keep mum about the details of her life, never appears to be hungry, and pops up at the oddest times. Sam continually feels sick and has an enhanced taste for red meat. His friend, Lenny, disappears, and ex-girlfirend, Liza, is killed.

Come to find out, Anna’s bite was more than just erotic foreplay, it was her attempt to get Sam to join vampirehood. In his fear of what may happen next, he buys garlic and goes to his father’s apartment, where he waits with a knife and cross. Anna busts into the apartment, overpowers him, bites him on the neck, and then has sex with him. He hits her over the head and flees to a nearby room, locking himself in. She enters through the window, and during the final attack, he and Anna struggle and fall out of the window. Their bodies found lifeless on the ground.

So, I guess a stake through the heart is not the only way to kill a vampire. This is not your typical stylized vampire movie. It has a fairly gritty storyline and picture, but manages to keep your attention. Kind of like a vampire movie made for the middle-class watcher, but can still be held in the same esteem as the more popular titles (Bram Stroker's Dracula, Interview with a Vampire, etc). It’s definitely worth a rent, but if you can get it for a good price, buy it.

Believers (2007)

2007-10-17T16:15:00.001-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 1, a gunshot wound to the shoulder
Nudity: 2 dudes butts and Rebecca’s rockets
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3
Memorable Quotes:
“The Teacher wants to speak with you in the White Room. What’s the White Room? That’s where we go to learn the truth.”

Believers should not be confused with The Believer, an anti-semetic movie, or The Believers (1987), with Martin Sheen. This is a movie about a cult called the Quanta Group who are preparing for their departure from this life to the next.

Two paramedics, Victor and David, respond to a call about a woman who has collapsed. On the scene, they find Rebecca, who is unresponsive, and her kid, Libby. They open Rebecca’s shirt to give her air, and see an unexplainable tattoo. A group of gun-toting cultsmen arrive, and take the woman and medics to the group’s compound. There, they are quarantined, and imprisoned in the “Reflection Room,” a set of run-down bathroom stalls. Yeah, that’s where I often reflect too. :)

The cult members believe that The Teacher will help guide them to a better place, and as they’ve been preparing for years, the final day is upon them.

Rebecca is brought back to life (by the Teacher), and then seduces Victor into believing that The Formula, which is tattooed all over her body, is the truth and their path out of this world.

David manages to escape, but is then caught and brought back to the facility, where he’s bound to a table, “purged,” and left for dead. The cult members and their children are gathered up and taken to the room where the great ascension will commence. There, they will fall asleep by inhaling a toxin and depart to the next life.

David manages to break free from his restraints and opens the door to the gas chamber. He frees Libby, but Vic's unable to be swayed, and shuts the door again. David and his wife take Libby into their care until Rebecca is able to recover. On the morning of David’s first day back to work, they hear a commotion and walk outside. To their disbelief, they see fire raining from the sky, a prophecy which The Teacher had spoken of. David’s facial expression is, “No F-ing way!” and this is the end of the movie.

Hats off to the director for making a much better movie than his first, The Blair Witch Project. If you like movies about cults, you’ll probably enjoy this, but then go rent Helter Skelter and see it done Charlie Manson style.

Havoc 2: Normal Adolescent Behavior

2007-10-17T13:20:00.001-05:00

Humor: 0
Blood: naw, this is a drama
Nudity: 1, an unclothed bottom
Eroticity: 2, spank me daddy
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3

Six tight-knit friends (3 guys, 3 girls) have an unbreakable bond and share each other and everything else. That is, until Sean, the new guy at school, comes in between them. He has a crush on Wendy, and although reluctant at first, she finally sleeps with him, and they have to hide their relationship from the others. When they’re finally outted, the group turns their back on her, but still make attempts to win her back. Sean wants her to get rid of anything that reminds him of her past, especially past sexual experiences, but she’s unwilling to do it. In the end, she’s torn between the group and him, and decides to out the group’s faults in front of a crowd of students. It’s somewhat unclear as to if she did it to sever all ties to the group and be with the guy, or just to clear her conscience, as she’s sitting alone while the credits roll.

This is a far cry from the original, and shouldn’t have even piggy-backed it. It’s like Skulls meets Kids, but the acting is half-assed and storyline is kind of bland. I also find it hard to believe that high school parties are full of open sex. I mean, it looked like a brothel, dudes were getting hummers, and chicks were getting naked and having uninhibited sex in front of the whole crowd. And, what teenager has a stripper pole in her house?

This movie is watchable, but if you want other titles that are more enjoyable, watch Kids, Bully, or Thirteen.

MAXED OUT

2007-10-17T12:37:00.001-05:00

Maxed Out is a great documentary about how American’s continue to live in debt, and how credit card companies and financial lenders feed off that, to help us grow even more debt. We also can’t forget how Bush and prior presidents haven’t helped our national debt situation, and have borrowed out of the social security fund to pay-off interest rates so we would not default. And, to save money, the government continues to cut federally-funded programs, rather than getting to the root of the problem, which is ridiculous govt spending, and trying to bail out other countries.

Yeah, we want to be the dominant power, but why do we have to put our noses in everyone’s business? Let the world deal with their problems, and we only get involved when our own freedom is at risk.

So, as interest rates rise, and our eyes get bigger than our pocket books, we increase our personal debt, which can take two lifetimes or more to get paid off. Overall rating is a 4. The only other thing I would liked to have seen is how we compare to other countries, and what their relief programs are.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

2007-10-16T23:27:00.001-05:00

Humor: 0
Blood/Gore: 3
Nudity: three pairs of skeets and 4 buttocks
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 2

Sara, one of the original survivors of “The House,” is killed by a group of thugs who are in search of a valuable medieval statue. Her sister, Ariel, and a friend, are taken at gunpoint to the house to find the idol. A professor of archaeology/medieval religion and two of his students are also in search of the prize. The professor is double-crossed by Melissa (Cerina Vincent), who’s sided with the thug leader, Desmond, a former student.

Once inside the house, it begins to lock down and shut everyone in. The ghosts start appearing and killing the guests. Before each kill, we see flashbacks of what happened to the patients by the doctor, played by b-horror king Jeffery Combs. Body count in the first 40 minutes is 3.

Ariel manages to escape right as the doors shut, but without keys to leave, she decides to re-enter with an open invitation from the house. Each member gets plinked off by either the patients, or the doctor. The statue is found, and dropped down a hole that leads to a pipeline that expels water from the house, thus allowing the evil to be lifted and all the spirits to disappear.

I liked Cerina Vincent in Cabin Fever, but after seeing/hearing her at Texas Frightmare Weekend earlier this year, I'm convinced she’s all tits and no brain. The storyline was pretty lame with nothing really to offer. I felt like the black and white flashbacks were trying to mimic Thirteen Ghosts, and the CGI and killings were typical of direct to video b-horror. If you can’t overcome your curiosity, rent it. If you buy it, I’ll see you in my store later selling it back.

Alice, Sweet Alice

2007-10-15T23:47:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 0
Minutes FF’ed thru: Zero
Overall rating: 4

Alice, Sweet Alice, also known as Holy Terror in it’s cut version, and worldwide as Communion. If you haven’t had a chance to catch this, Showtime’s been playing the heck out of it. I watched it earlier this year when it was re-released on DVD, and was quite surprised how good it was.

This is about Alice, who in jealousy of being overshadowed by her little sister (Brooke Shields), kills her in the backroom of the church right before her first communion, then torches the remains. Her destructive behavior persists as she hurts animals and torments her lard-ass landlord. The only one to catch onto her evil is her aunt, who she later tries to kill, and blames it on her dead sister. During the investigation, Alice is deemed wacko through a lie detector test, and then committed to a mental hospital. Who’s guiding this child’s demented acts, The Devil?

Enter, Killer #2. Alice’s father is killed by Mrs. Tredoni, the father of the church's caretaker. Since her daughter was killed at a young age, she believes that children pay for their parent’s sin, and it’s her duty to punish those who have caused Alice grief. While on her way to kill Alice’s mother, the landlord gets in the way, so she stabs him a couple of times and flees. And, in the final scene, she gets upset when the father will not allow her to take communion, and plunges her knife in the side of his neck in front of the whole congregation. This, in turn, appears to lift all suspicion from Alice, and she'll get off scott-free.

This is a great movie from 1976. There's not a lot of blood or gore, but it'll still hold the attention of most horror fans. The girl who plays Alice, Paula Sheppard, nails the part of a demented little girl who’s tormented with jealousy, and who will do anything to get attention. My working title for this is Alice, Oh Deviant Alice. If you can find it for under 15 bucks, buy it, otherwise, catch it on cable, and wait until the price comes down a little.

The Forest for the Trees (2003)

2007-10-15T20:03:00.000-05:00

Humor: 0
Blood: 0
Nudity: 0
Minutes FF’ed thru: maybe 5, but should have more
Overall rating: 1
Other: In German with English subtitles

Melanie, a new school teacher, moves to a new school and city, and tries to find her place and make her mark. The students are very disrespectful, and any self-confidence she came with, quickly fades away. She meets her neighbor, Tina, and starts hanging out with her, but after a few get togethers, Tina doesn't seem as gung-ho about the new friendship. Melanie also struggles in her professional life, and doesn't quite fit in with the other teachers. Even though there's one that's fond of her, she shows little interest in return.

She continues to help Tina out, but becomes bothersome and gets blown off, and is finally told to buzz off. Her students continue to overpower her, and she finally loses it. So, one day, she walks out of class, gets in her car, and takes a drive. While cruising through the countryside, she climbs in the backseat, and allows the vehicle to take it’s course. The screen goes black, credits roll, The End.

By the description, this has potential to be a decent movie. But, from the first scene, as it appears to be shot with a digital camcorder, you realize it could be headed for disaster. There wasn’t really a single element that kept me involved in the story, except for my hopes that she might go off the deep end and either go ape-shit on someone, kill them, or in her attempt to get attention, start tramping around. I also wasn’t quite sure if her attraction to her neighbor was merely that of a friend wanting companionship, or maybe feelings of sexuality. This was a really crappy movie, and I hate wasting over an hour watching it. It's title is, The Forest for the Trees, so if you happen to see a copy of this, run and hide it deep in the forest, so no one else will stumble upon it. I also have a hard time believing that this won an award, but then again, who was on Sundance's “Special Jury,” and what other entries were against it?

AMERICAN MOVIE BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-15T13:59:00.000-05:00

AMERICAN MOVIE ; THE MAKING OF NORTHWESTERN

{overall rating}- * * * * *

{action}- Some.

{humor}- The entire thing is hilarious. Even the basic phrasing of words is funny. Coven sounds like oven that just doesn't work. Its cove...n.

{blood}- Black and white blood and real blood when Mark scratches up his knuckles trying to punch a hole in a cabinet door.

{gore}- A little but not really.

{nudity}- Nope.

{acting}- It’s a documentary.

{plot}- Very well laid out interview style documentary that links together wonderfully.

{film quality}- Typical 90's doc.

{entertainment factor}- It can be dry in moments but its amusing like a reality show version of Clerks.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- zero.

Mark Borchardt may be the world's most brilliant idiot. Never in my experience have I ever seen someone who can think so deeply and be so insightful and yet be so absolutely clueless. He is so focused on accomplishing his goals that he completely loses touch with reality and can sometimes appear borderline psychotic. Mark's goal is to make the great American movie. Very normal, smart and respectable people pitch him to help. Their simple reason is to make his dream come true because they respect his passion for what he does. His most loyal follower and friend named Mike Shank. Mike burned his mind out on acid SLC punk style. He writes original pieces of music that are actually Ozzy songs with a few words changed. You get to see Mark go from raising funds from his senial uncle to ramming an actors head into a cabinet during production. Mike and Mark are characters that so good it could never be written. Their insane banter make this movie so entertaining it hurts. Rent this movie. Own this movie. Just make sure you watch it. You'll find yourself entertained and completely confused by weirdness that oozes out of the mouths of white trash. Still my pick for greatest documentary of all time.

CHILD'S PLAY BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-14T18:36:00.001-05:00

CHILD'S PLAY

{overall rating}- * * * 1/2 (I'm a hypocrite it won't happen again.)

{action}- The upside down police car is classic.

{humor}- Like Nightmare on Elmstreet it serious and that’s why it's funny.

{blood}- Good guy's always bleed.

{gore}- Doll gore I guess.

{nudity}- I wish.. mmmm Catherine Hicks.

{acting}- Much better than its predecessors.

{plot}- It’s a neat idea for the time.

{film quality}- Typical middle 80's.

{entertainment factor}- Much slower than I remember it being but its paced pretty nicely.

Charles Lee Ray Likes to strangle people. That is until he's chased by the police and forced to cast a spell which puts him inside a good guy doll. Now his new goal is to find a human body to take over so he can become human again. Catherine Hicks (mommy on 7th Heaven) buys her son the birthday present he's been dreaming of, Chucky the good guy doll. But Chucky is not a good guy. He wants to take over the body of the young boy and is willing to kill anyone who tries to stop him. This movie has the ability to make scared for the characters while being funny. Not many movies can pull this off. (REFERENCE- The sequels.) This movie will never be considered the greatest horror film by anyone, but it is a good movie. You won't see much puppetry better than this.

Plasterhead

2007-10-13T01:05:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 2
Nudity: 1 set of cha-chas
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 2.5, even though Smokeskrene would say there are no half stars :)
Memorable quotes:

The gas attendant: “Artie ain’t no miracle man, Artie ain’t no homo neither, so don’t be askin for none of that shit.”

The sheriff: “And I can’t afford to have no tragedies on my hands, don’t look good for me now do it?”

Four college students are on their way to Miami, and the typical storyline ensues: Hey, let’s take the scenic route to avoid the crowded highway. Damn, where are we? Somewhere between here and bum fuck Egypt. Hey, pull over, I gotta take a piss. Shit, we’re low on gas, let’s find a station. There ain’t no gas here, maybe tomorrow. Hey, let’s take refuge in this abandoned house for the night. The wrath of Plasterhead then commences.

Once again, to be movie-PC, or is that EEOC?, we have the token brutha represented, and he gets the worst dialog to go with his stinky acting. His demise is met by the sheriff’s bullet.

Okay, onto the back story.

While passing through town, Ray Williams, later known as Plasterhead, gets his ass kicked beyond all recognition by some drunks who don’t like colored folk. After his recovery, Ray returns, clad in a paper-mache mask (to cover his hideous face), and begins killing the towns people.

Audra is the first to go, then the cook and waitress from the local diner.

Steve is grabbed and drug through a window Jason Voorhees style. He’s then busted on the nugget (head) with a rubber mallet, and chained around the neck with a burlap sack over his head.

The only one left standing is Maggie, who fakes her death, and as PH tries to ensure his work is complete, she stabs him in the eye and flees. While getting away in the police car, she ends up hitting someone in the road, but stops for only a moment then continues on. Little did she know, it was Steve, who had managed to break free and was fleeing from the scene too.

This isn’t the worst amateur movie I’ve seen, but definitely not the best either. What plagues most b-horror, is the lack of originality, and continually rehashing ideas that have been done many, many times before (and usually better). The acting and dialog were pretty bad. Not campy bad, but badly written bad. It is worth a view for the b-horror fan, but don’t expect anything memorable or unique.

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

2007-10-12T15:03:00.001-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 4
Gore: 4, there’s plenty, but most of it is ridiculous
Nudity: 1, one set of boobs complimented by a thonged bum
Dialog: 2
Minutes FF’ed thru: none
Overall rating: 3, the only reason I give it a 3 is so people will watch this, realize how ridiculous it is, and then know what not to do when making a movie

What’s in the DNA of backwoods fuckers? They’re friggin indestructible! They get hit by cars, stabbed, shot, get their heads busted up, and still get back up and continue to terrorize your ass. And, why do backwoods folk always resort to cannibalism? Hell, they live in the woods, aren’t there enough animals to sustain their hunger?

This movie is about a Survivor-type show in which six contestants participate in The Apocalypse challenge and The Radiation Elimination. The host of the show is Dale, played by Henry Rollins, and the six contestants were so far-fetched and predictable, that it’s ridiculous. The artsy vegan, the jock, the joker, the tough girl, the slut, the shy one, and the one who never makes it to the competition, the pretty girl.

It just so happens that two of the female contestants find the backwoods house and walk in right as one mutant is giving birth. Having been noticed watching the event, they are then chased. The shy one ends up dying by a flying hatchet to the head.

A jealous backwoods woman finds her lover jerking off while looking at one of the contestants sunbathing, and in jealousy, runs after her and cuts up her back.

Every time I watch a horror movie, I have to analyze whether the gore effects and killings are realistic. Most of the time they’re not, but can be tolerated, yet there are so many scenes in this that I was like, “What a crock of shit!” It became so ridiculous that I lost interest quick, but continued to watch so I could point out more faults.

Things to look for while watching:

The CGI arrow through the head and eye scene of the two contestants hanging is so obviously fake.
The woman split down the middle with an axe is cool, but obviously not possible.
The shot of the hatchet through the back of the head while running scene seems so out of place with the other cinematography.
The look of the backwoods mutants is not original, and maybe even borrowed from The Hills Have Eyes.
The, oh let me get up and pop my bones and head back in place, and then come after you again is ridiculous.
The grunting prayer scene at the table before they eat their cannibal feast is stupid.
The baby mutant sucking on the finger at the end is just dumb.

I’m not sure I could sit through this again, other than to continue to pick it apart. There is very little originality, and although it can be pleasing to gorehounds, I’ll stick with Eliza Dushku in the first one.

Black Sheep

2007-10-12T12:20:00.001-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood/Gore: 3
Nudity: 0
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3

Usually sheep are the unfortunate ones either by plummeting off a cliff to their demise, getting hit by cars, or being slaughtered, but in Black Sheep, the tables are turned. Nope, no Chris Farley here, just people-eating wool-wearers who have mad sheep disease.

A couple of animal rights activists steal a canister that has a genetically mutated baby sheep in it. While trying to flee, the canister gets broken, and the sheep bites the assailant, then wanders off to the herd. What ensues next, are pissed off blood-hungry sheep, and anyone who’s bitten, will eventually live the same fate.

Farting and driving sheep are kind of funny, but the laughter level in this one is like very dry British humor and pretty much non-existent. Wasn’t New Zealand founded by the British? Ahh, that might explain it.

Anyway, the rest of the story is about Angus, Henry, and the hero, Tucker. Sheep are genetically mutated by mixing human DNA, which we gather occurs through Angus’s procreation with his favorite ewes. Henry is Angus’s brother, and is terrified of sheep, and Tucker is the farm’s caretaker. There’s a small love story between Henry and the female animal rights activist, who have to battle Grant, the first-bitten. Tucker also gets bitten, but ends up finding the cure, and saving the day.

This is not a great movie, but it is very unique in storyline and has some great effects. When the humans are morphing into sheep, it reminded me of An American Werewolf in London. It’s definitely worth a watch, but unfortunately, will not make the list of the best independent movies of the year. Dimension Extreme did save face with this title, so we can only hope that similar decision making will follow suit when picking up titles to distribute.

28 WEEKS LATER BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-09T22:16:00.001-05:00

28 WEEKS LATER

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- Full of very fast paced action.

{humor}- Not that kind of movie.

{blood}- Very dark.

{gore}- Quite brutal really.

{nudity}- The most brief .5 seconds ever.

{acting}- I've always liked Robert Carlyle but he just lacks the acting chops to pull this one off in the beginning.

{plot}- This is a pretty good spin on zombie movies and on its predecessor.

{film quality}- Very good but there is a lot of distortion when the camera moves fast. I can't tell if it was intentional. The shoulder camera is really really lame.

{entertainment factor}- Will definitely keep your attention.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- ZERO

28 weeks after the outbreak of the zombie virus Robert Carlyle and his children are rebuilding their lives. The US has allowed refugees back into the area's of Britain that were once infected. That’s what you call a back story. Thank god someone remembered to fill me in. The two children set out to their old house to get some belongings the problem is the area they lived in is still under quarantine. Seriously how stupid are kids these days. Didn't they watch the first movie? There they find their mom who their father had left for dead. The mother is a carrier of the virus and upon her deceitful husband's kiss he turns into one of "them." Suddenly the UK is a zombie playground. This movie starts with a bang and slowly fizzles. Its not that the pace slows down it actually speeds up. Movies these days seem to miss the Evil Dead strategy of calm than action. They just don't take enough time to build suspense. The action is too fast. Its confusing. The story is good (minus daddy popping up everywhere.) But its easy to forget there's a plot with all this action. The fact the ending doesn't really accomplish anything won't help you like the plot. Don't get me wrong I like the movie. I just wish more time would have been taken to set up this elaborate action. Very good rent for anyone.

HALLOWEEN (1978) BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-09T22:15:00.001-05:00

HALLOWEEN (1978)

{overall rating}- * * * * *

{action}- Hack and slash.

{humor}- There are lots of attempted jokes but not many work. Funny though, The Thing is the movie they are watching which years later John Carpenter will remake.

{blood}- All red and purrty.

{gore}- Slightly.. Not really.

{nudity}- Ben Tramer Doesn't get to see Jamie Lee but PJ Soles goes topless.

{acting}- Not near as bad as I remember once thinking it was.

{plot}- The boogeyman and the suburbs. Seems played out now but was a pretty fresh concept then.

{film quality}- The cinematography in this movie really set a standard. The continuity is horrible but the shots are set up perfectly. Very similar style to M. Night Shyamalan.

{entertainment factor}- This is a slower paced slasher than most I've seen.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Are you kidding? Zilch.

Back in 1963 a young boy named Michael Myers (no relation to Austin Powers) catches his big sis' playing doctor, so he goes surgeon on her with a big knife from his kitchen. 15 years later Michael is now a big boy with a worse attitude living in an asylum. That is until the night before Halloween when he escapes in murderous fashion. Now the only thing that can save the city of Haddonfield is one Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) who no one seems to listen to. Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) desperately needs to get laid. She's the dorky tag along of two more popular, easier girls. Laurie just can't seem to loosen up because the fear of her brother returning is always in the back of her head. Will she be a victim like her sister or can she and her friends survive the wrath of a brother scorn. There is a reason why this movie inspired so many sequels and the following it has to this day. It’s a great horror movie that is well written, well shot and well performed. This movie is one of the few truly suspenseful movies.

HALLOWEEN II BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-09T22:14:00.000-05:00

HALLOWEEN II

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}-

{humor}- More humor than the first.

{blood}- Yes. Although some is repeated blood from the first one.

{gore}- Theres a nice burned cadaver.

{nudity}- Nurse boobs.

{acting}- Overall its too over the top. Its not as balanced as the first one.

{plot}- Is there one. Maybe I should watch the first one to fill me in.

{film quality}- Very good. Almost as good as the first but the cinematography is not great.

{entertainment factor}- Its entertaining its just not good.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-

I in general don't like movies that start out with a recap and call that good enough in terms of plot. If this were being played as a double feature it would work. But this is another case of a sequel that starts in motion and barely slows down enough to give you the backstory. This one starts with Michael still in the middle of his first rampage. I'd like to give you the summary of the plot but there really isn't much plot. It relies on your knowledge of the first one to create suspense while Michael walks around and picks people off until he can find lil' sis. I think the reason why the Halloween series has never been as big as Nightmare on Elmstreet and Friday the 13th is because the sequels just don't have the punch of the other two respective series'.

EVIL ALIENS BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-09T22:13:00.001-05:00

EVIL ALIENS

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- "Don't fuck with a UFO enthusiast."

{humor}- This movie had me rolling from the start.

{blood}- Yeth yeth.

{gore}- This movie will make any man who understands the nature of a prostate exam thank his lucky stars aliens aren't involved in it. This is absolutely splatteriffic.

{nudity}- Guy butt. Funny enough to be tolerable. Also look for sweet alien love.

{acting}- Is not good but is more than adequate to make this movie watchable.

{plot}- This is out of this world extreme. Its stupid really. You'll love it though.

{film quality}- British soap opera meets blair witch book of shadows.

{entertainment factor}- Very Very Very entertaining. Like it or not.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-No need for forwarding this movie is fast paced mayhem.

Wow is all you can really say about a movie like this. WOW. Some of you may know Eden Ford as the Ozzy look alike detective from twisted sisters. This movie starts with him pounding his girlfriend near a Stonehenge like formation. Sounds like a fun role until he is being anal probed while his girlfriend watches. Did I mention the aliens? So a camera crew goes out to investigate for there sideshowreview sort of website program. There they run into the girlfriend and her welsh / English hating brothers. After a near meeting with the aliens the camera crew gets risky and tries to get up close and personal with them. At the same time the welsh brothers set out to avenge the death of their beloved mutilated cow. This movie is extreme to say the least. A great screenplay, good direction and some creative gore make this movie a treat. This is another guilty pleasure to put alongside Dead Alive. There is no reason this movie is good, but it is. Jake West may have a future in this business.

Lizard in a Woman's Skin by Smokeskrene

2007-10-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- A little if you wait for it.

{humor}- Not a drip.

{blood}- Nominee for best colored blood ever.

{gore}- Here puppies.

{nudity}- There is nudity but there is this really neat orgy dream like scene where almost everyone is naked and yet you can't see anything.

{acting}- Another victim of horrible dubbing. The answer to the acting is sort of up in the air.

{plot}- If this were a rap review it would be called OG Allo.

{film quality}- About the same as Cabaret but not angled quite as well.

{entertainment factor}- Its slloooowwwwww.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- ZERRROOOOO. But it took me four sittings to watch it.

Lucio Fulci may go down in history as the most average director of all time. I think the only outing of his to disappoint me was "City of the Living Dead." Lizard in a Woman's skin is about a girl who named Deborah who is psychotic. She tells her therapist a dream about a murder that ends up happening. She must now figure out if she did it or if it was just a dream. This movie is a Giallo. That means its long, contains nudity, a bad soundtrack and a LSDesque atmosphere. This movie works better than most Fulci films. Most people will enjoy this more than his horror movies. That, however, only makes it slightly better than average.

Jean Rollin's Iron Rose

2007-10-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

Humor: 1, I thought parts were really ridiculous rather than actually laughing
Blood: None
Nudity: 1
Minutes FF’ed thru: 10 min.
Overall rating: 2, for scenery and nudity
Other: In French with English subtitles.

Why do I watch Jean Rollin’s films? It’s for the great scenery, eroticism, and hot-bodied French women.

A couple have a picnic in a cemetery and then decide to have sex (or at least take their shirts off and fondle one another, since that’s all we see) in an open crypt. I’m sure Jean likes to keep things natural, but they should have shaved the dude’s back before they shot the shirtless scene. And, what’s up with the clown in the cemetery, maybe some hidden meaning that I’m not intellectual enough to get?

When they emerge from the crypt, it’s now dark and they can’t find their way out. The dark and eeriness cause them to go nuts and act a fool. While trying to get out, the dude falls in an open grave, and then the chick jumps down to join him, and they start making out on piles of bones. What the F-ck? They then continue to look for a way out, and happen to stumble upon the original crypt from which they were in. He gets back in it to wade the night out, and she locks the entrance off while babbling some mumbo jumbo. She then hummingly dances around the graveyard until daybreak, when she re-enters the crypt and shuts the doors. The End.

What a disappointing entry in Jean’s filmography. Yes, we have good scenery and a little nudity, but this was done more artsy-like and with a bland storyline. And, I think Jean really likes cemeteries, since they tend to appear in several of his films. Rent it if you’re a fan, otherwise pass it up and don’t look back.

Movies not worth a real review 1

2007-10-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

I watched a few movies that weren't worth the effort to do a real review, but I still gave a rating and added comments:

In the Dark-a Blair Witch style production in which some friends go into a condemned mental hospital only to face a pissed-off Lizzie Duncan, a patient who was burnt in the building's fire years earlier. Rating: 1.

Hurt-Micheal confesses to a journalist about his killing/raping spree with flashbacks of the events. Rating: 2.

Hallowed Ground-a cult-priest's soul is brought back to life through a scarecrow to fulfill "the prophecy." CGI crows, lame killings, and bad story plague this movie. And, I'd swear this had the same scarecrow designer as Scarecrow Slayer. If you want to see a good scarecrow movie, watch Scarecrows from 1988 (see Smokeskrene's review). This stinker's rating is 2.

Night of the Living Dead 3-D (watched in 2-D)-this is a not-so-bad remake of Romero's classic, but tends to rely on the obvious rather than re-inventing it. The best part are the zombies (a few cool ones), and Sid Haig, who compliments most movies he's in. Rating: 3.

Don't Open the Door (1975)

2007-10-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 2
Nudity: 0, but it might have helped it
Audio: 2, very low-toned and quite a bit of volume fluctuation
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3
Other: Nice Italian Horror/Giallo-esque music soundtrack

Amanda wakes up to find her mother’s dead body. The story then fast-forwards to 13 years later, where she returns home to see her grandmother on her death bed. She’s greeted by three gentlemen, The Judge, The Doctor, and Mr. Kearn, the museum curator, who all have ulterior motives for granny’s house. She continues to get calls from a raspy-voiced stalker who watches her through a crack in the wall, and fondles a doll in her likeness.

Amanda visits the museum where Mr. Kearn has made a mannequin in remembrance of her mother. Creeped out, she demands all her grandmother’s stuff be returned to the house, and runs out. The doctor and judge get whacked by cross-dressing Mr. Kearn, who continues to torment Amanda. As her delirium peaks, she accidently kills her doctor boyfriend, who came along to monitor her grandmother’s health.

This movie is in the same vain as Don’t Look in the Basement, but not as good. Granted, the blonde lead actress is nice to look at, and carried her part well, but the climax is too familiar and lacked originality. It’s worth a rent, but probably only once.

Shanghai Kiss

2007-10-05T11:35:00.000-05:00

Humor: 3
Blood: not in this one, it’s a romantic comedy
Nudity: 1, one scene with boobs
Minutes FF’ed thru: Zero
Overall rating: damn near a 4, but the slowed ending dropped it to a 3

A down-on-his-luck Chinese-American actor (Ken Leung-X-Men 3, Inside Man) meets a girl (Hayden Panettiere-Heroes, Bring It On: All or Nothing) on a city bus. Over the next few months, they establish a close friendship, and she falls in love with him. Problem is, she’s only 16 and he’s 28.

His grandmother passes away and leaves him her house in Shanghai. He goes over to sell it for what he believes will bring $500K, but due to miscommunication, it’s really only 500K yen (a little over 60K), so he decides to keep it. He falls in love with a Chinese girl while there, and decides to leave the states and move into the house. Things don’t quite work out, so he moves back to California and confesses his feelings to his friend.

This story concludes as most romantic comedies, a happy and lovey-dovey. There’s comedy sprinkled throughout, and a few scenes are absolutely hilarious. It’s seldom I laugh out loud while watching a movie, but I couldn’t help it on a scene where he’s fighting with a Chinese cab driver. Rent it for a good laugh and Hayden’s pretty face.

UNEEDA RETURN II REVIEW BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-04T22:41:00.001-05:00

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD II

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- lots of running.

{humor}- It tries so hard but is not near as funny as the original.

{blood}- 2 outta 5.

{gore}- Lots of fun stuff. Including but not limited to the return of tar-man.

{nudity}-

{acting}- Even the people from the original don't act quite as well.

{plot}- Pretty much the same as the first.

{film quality}- A little better than poltergeist. It looks as though they used the same houses. Maybe there's an Indian burial ground there too.

{entertainment factor}- This movie is much more entertaining than it is good.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- zero.

A military truck carrying the infamous zombie canisters loses its load. A couple of kids accidentally break the canister open next to a cemetery. You see where this is going right? Lots of the walking dead and ridiculous sequences. It was a little ridiculous to bring back two of the main characters from the first as new characters. This movie is fun but just lacks the charisma of the first. Its neither as offensive or funny. A great rent for anyone. Settle for ROTLD II on Halloween when everyone has rented out the cult favorites. Also, look for Dana Ashbrook who played Bobby Briggs on Twin Peaks. Very under rated actor.

SCHOOL OF THE HOLY BEAST BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

SCHOOL OF THE HOLY BEAST

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- All kinds of sadistic nasties.

{humor}- Nun...sploitation

{blood}- Quite a bit of whipping goes on in this movie so yes.

{gore}- Not really its thing.

{nudity}- Yes. Within minutes actually.

{acting}- Ask someone who speaks Japanese. The subtitles were convincing I guess.

{plot}- Very well layered.

{film quality}- The quality isn't the greatest but the do set up lots of beautiful shots. There's a whipping with roses that is almost magical.

{entertainment factor}- Depends who you are. I thought it was entertaining for the genre.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- 10mins.

Its not often you find a nunsploitation gem on Netflix. This is a nice one. A young Asian girl has her last night out and then moves into her very oppressive role as a nun. When she gets there she witnesses insanity such as nun's whipping themselves for being tempted. Nun's being pitted against each other with bullwhips as punishments. She soon realizes everyone has a secret. This movie questions the catholic philosophy on many levels and is one of the most religiously offensive movies I've seen in a while. This movie will have exploitation fans applauding and regular movie watchers furious. Its to its credit that the cinematography is so well done as it makes the offensiveness easier to handle. The screenplay is very complicated but really seems to translate well. There are a lot of these kinds of movies that just seem to be lost in the transference of culture. This one will awe and offend people of all ages.

BAD REPUTATION BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-10-04T22:13:00.001-05:00

BAD REPUTATION

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}- Stab and twist. Nice.

{humor}- Its alright.

{blood}- Yes. Yes.

{gore}- A little.

{nudity}- Not here but this movie didn't need it.

{acting}- I've seen worse.

{plot}- I Spit On Your Grave meets Heathers.

{film quality}- Nice in places. Some of the cinematography cuts heads out of the shot for no reason. Its like the tripod needed to be tilted slightly up the whole movie.

{entertainment factor}- Its alright.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-zero

A teen girl who is the ugly duckling loner type gets invited to a party full of the 'in' crowd. Once there she macks on a guy who is spoken for and he drugs her drink. Him and his friends take turns raping her. Then his girlfriend sees the girl passed out in his room. Thinking she's a slut she writes slut on her head and duct tapes her to a tree. When she gets to school the day after there are signs saying she is a slut all over the place. Even and her own mother thinks she's now become a slut. The school counselor tries to get with her. Absolutely nothing goes right for this girl. So then she does what any girl would do. Dress like a slut and goes to get her revenge. For a less than "B" movie this is very entertaining. This movie does a great job at telling a story being funny without being overly offensive.

Red Without Blue

2007-10-03T21:03:00.000-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 0
Nudity: 1, a picture of a penis-altered vagina
Minutes FF’ed thru: 20
Overall rating: 2

Okay, after you read this review, you might ask, why did I watch this? Well, 1) I like documentaries, and 2) gender reassignment is always an interesting subject.

This is a story about identical twin brothers, Mark and Alex, who later become Oliver and Claire. While in their teens, neither felt quite right in their skin, as Mark felt more attraction to boys, and Alex took on more female mannerisms. From their depression and parent's divorce, the troubled teens get into drugs, and even attempt a double-suicide by carbon monoxide inhalation. You know, the old “run a hose from the tailpipe and roll up the windows trick.” After hours of trying, they gave up, but continued their paths of self-discovery, moved to San Francisco, took on new identities, and eventually got their parents support.

Claire further explorered the option of gender reassignment after hooking up with a childhood friend who had it done, and this is where we see the pic of "Becca’s" newly formed vagina. The rest of the story revolves around the parents’ acceptance, and Oliver and his boyfriend, who move to Europe and Prague for school and work.

Nothing really new to the “I’m not who you think I am” story, since I’ve seen better footage on the Health channels. The title Red Without Blue, refers to the color of clothing the twins were dressed in as youth, and also the time they spent apart in foster care. Watch Transamerica and you’ll be more entertained.

THE CURSE (1987) by Smokeskrene

2007-10-02T15:06:00.000-05:00

THE CURSE (1987)

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- Ever seen a fat guy try to fight a skinny guy covered in manure.

{humor}- Great camp. Nothing intentionally funny here though.

{blood}-

{gore}- Contaminated veges and exploding cows.

{nudity}- Sex scene with no nudity. There is at least a milf involved though.

{acting}- About like dead alive.

{plot}- Very nice original story. Well written.

{film quality}- The dvd looks great compared to the vhs version I watched years ago. You can notice a crane in the meteor shot.

{entertainment factor}- Some people will write this off prematurely but I loved it.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- ZERO

Zack and his little sister live with his mother, his step dad and his step brother. They run a family farm. I use the term "family" very loosely. The step father is a bible beating, stubborn old man who always takes the side of his son and not his step family. Late in the night a meteor crashes into their farmland and wakes up the family. By morning the giant sphere has disappeared. Its path of destruction is only just beginning though. Suddenly the plants on the farms begin to die and Zack begins to notice a sudden change in his family. Without the farm crops his family begins to struggle and selling the house to the county to build a reservoir becomes in option. I don't think this is the best place for a water source for the nearby community. This is one of those movies I loved as an early teen. I must say I am biased. Its probably not a legitimate 4 to anyone except myself. And for me personally its probably closer to a 5.

Bleeding Rose by Smokeskrene

2007-10-02T00:48:00.000-05:00

BLEEDING ROSE

{overall rating}- * *

{action}- Not really.

{humor}- Out of all the people who are amazing singers they cast a few who are not.

{blood}- Yes. The quality is either here nor there though. It looks like a thick candy drink you’d get in a tube.

{gore}- Not really. Creative angles and cutaways.

{nudity}- I think the potential of it carried me through a lot of this movie. No.

{acting}- Very natural delivery. There are moments when you will wonder if you’re watching the real world. Others its Springer. The word conscience is actually mispronounced.

{plot}- The basic plot is good as is the script. However, it works a good share of the time. The whole roses idea and title should have been cut.

{film quality}- Real world meets brain damage. The sound quality blows.

{entertainment factor}- It actually kept me entertained.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- 4 mins.

A young singer moves back to her old city after a break up with her boyfriend. She bumps into her friend Cedrick, a producer, who wants to record her. The Cedrick has his eye on her and the boyfriend has a hex on her. I refrain from using this woman’s name because it’s the worst stereotypical name you could ever write into a movie. Okay its Ebony. If the Cedrick were a baseball player his average would be horrible because he strikes out all over the place with Ebony. See ebony has a thing for the white boys. Except for her Ex who was some kind of a white trash , girlfriend beating warlock. Ebony finally feels close enough to the cedrick to try and date him and she finds him back with his ex. Wait . This is a horror movie right? I just keep thinking this is college hill or real world. So suddenly someone begins harassing Ebony’s friends. And by harassing I mean text messaging and the killing. With a bat ironically. Home runs, every time. Do black people play hand ball? Its an age old question answered in this movie while dialog is being delivered. At some point this movie’s dialog just loses all direction. Its sort of like the words all just turn into overly sentimental garbage. Seriously the dialog is as bad as the lyrics these people are writing. Cedrick’s girl thinks he’s with ebony and that’s when it "keep it real goes wrong." This movie is over written and under acted and vise versa. Somehow though it holds itself together and is entertaining. Then there’s the end with the expected yet unexpected plot twist that just kills the entire movie. I don’t think that many people will enjoy this but I thought it was a decent experience. Not for the average viewer. Rent it if your very open minded and or bored. Don’t own it. Ever.

Resident Evil Ex-Stinks by Smokeskrene

2007-10-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION

{overall rating}- * *

{action}- Wait For it. Wait For it. This seems familiar.

{humor}- Not a drip.

{blood}- Its really dark but its there.

{gore}- A little.

{nudity}- The most almost nudity you’ve seen since Austin Powers.

{acting}- About the same quality as Friday After Next

{plot}- Really where?

{film quality}- Very nice looking when it isn’t being ruined by CG-Birds.

{entertainment factor}- It has its moments

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- Theatre setting but I didn’t walk out.

Resident Evil Extinction is the third in a line of video game movies. You’d think that would tell me something but I at least try to play ignorant to these stereotypes for the sake of enjoyment. The movie starts with an almost nude Milla Jovavich. I was thinking to myself “I must be in for a movie as good as Antibodies” based off the K-fleet assement. Almost an hour and three dogs later the action finally begins and still no nudity. The action sequences in this movie are so fast its almost hard to tell what’s going on. There are about 15 instances where there could be sweet decapitation but this is avoided. Instead of giving a back story you get to see our star vixen riding a motorcycle. It seems like much of the beginning of this movie is just there to kill time. They should have been telling people what’s going on because if you don’t have a basic knowledge of the other films you will not get this at all. I am a firm believer that sequels, while in a series of movies, should still be able to stand on their own. This makes the movies easier to watch and allows new audiences to get a better understanding and perhaps spend there cash on watching the first two. No first time watchers will be interested in seeing the first two after this because of how lost they will be. Overall this is a decent movie that I’m sure some fans of the series will really enjoy. However people just getting interested will lose interest with a lack of answers or an ending with any closure at all. The only thing stopping this from being a more legitimate outting is a good script and better effects. I wish these big studios would quit throwing money at these franchises. With a budget and a cast like this three is as bad as a one.

Night Of The Demons by Smokeskrene

2007-10-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

Night Of The Demons

{overall rating}- * * * *

{action}- great camp effects.

{humor}- This movie is funny for all the right and wrong reasons.

{blood}- Lots.

{gore}- Great razor blade scene.

{nudity}- Yes.

{acting}- Horrible even for B, but you won’t notice for long.

{plot}- Ironically it’s a good idea.

{film quality}- Not great, but far from grindhouse.

{entertainment factor}- 5

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- zeroooo

A bunch of kids go to hull house for a Halloween party. Quickly they start becoming possessed and killing each other off. This movie is fun B horror with lots of campy effects. From up skirt teasing to lipstick tubes in nipples and the most horrible 80’s charactor stereo types yet. I think everyone will feel betrayed by the lack of a protagonist, but oddly enough it seems to be a strength in its unpredictability. A must watch for any 80’s horror fan. It won’t make your top 10 but it will definitely make your night.

Night Of The Demons 2 by Smokeskrene

2007-10-01T14:00:00.000-05:00

Night of the Demons 2

{overall rating}- * * * (that’s the most borderline 3 rating ever)

{action}- Wait for it. Wait for it. 45mins inside the movie.

{humor}- 0

{blood}- yeth yeth

{gore}- yeth yeth

{nudity}- A lot of non-sexual nudity.

{acting}- Really not bad acting once it gets going.

{plot}- Lameness.

{film quality}- PCUish.

{entertainment factor}- lameness.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}- none but I should have through the whole movie.

I would like to start by saying Christine Taylor is one of my favorite actresses. (not because I think she’s talented) So you can understand my amazement once I realized she was in this lame sequel to Night Of the Demons. A new priest comes to a catholic school who doesn’t quite get the head nun. A young boy tries to understand demonology within his religion and coincidentally provides the text which brings back to life the demon of hull house. But hull house is not really the focus of this sort of lost sequel. Its more about a catholic school. This script is boring. The action once it happens will delight gore lovers but waiting for it and the ending will leave you twiddling your thumbs or scratching your head. It isn’t that this movie lacks the ability to amuse, its that it just doesn’t amuse you often enough to truly be worth your money. Rent this. Take it in. Forget it.

SEPTEMBER ISSUE NOW SHOWING

2007-09-30T15:32:00.000-05:00

September has come to a close and the first issue has been completed. Now available in its entirety, for your viewing pleasure.

Scarecrows -3-

"sort of a… What if DB Cooper jumped into a over grown field area while being chased by a swat team who’s being mutilated by scarecrows movie." - smokeskrene

Frostbitten aka Frostbiten -3-

"Pretty decent vampire flick with a touch of humor to boot" – K-Fleet

Burning -3-

"It’s a great watch if for nothing else a Jason Alexander with hair that didn’t marry Britney Spears" – smokeskrene

Return Of The Living Dead -5-

"This should crack anyone’s Top 5 zombie movies" – smokeskrene

The Gymnast -3-

"This is a coming into sexuality story of an ex-gymnast who is recruited to work on an aerial acrobatics show with an Asian dancer" – K-Fleet

Fantacide -3-

"There’s no doubt that this film was made to do nothing but exploit and disgust" – K-Fleet

What’s Up Nurse -3-

"70’s British comedy with lots of boobs and hairy muffs" – K-Fleet

Unholy -3-

"Finally a former Buffy star makes a good horror movie." – smokeskrene

Arockaclypse By Lordi Bonus Disc -3-

"well mastered, well shot heavy metal show" – smokeskrene

Antibodies

"I haven't been this entertained since the movie Feed" – K-Fleet

The Tutor -3-

"Not the most complex of movies. Definitely worth a rent." – smokeskrene

Dagon -4-

"Finally a movie that is actually scary" – smokeskrene

Hotrod -4-

"probably the funniest movie I’ve seen since super troopers" – smokeskrene

Malevolence -3-

"This guy is not having a good day" – smokeskrene

Flesh For The Beast -3-

"Severed limbs, internal organs and violent vomiting… that's just the first 85 seconds" – smokeskrene

SCARECROWS BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-09-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

SCARECROWS

{overall rating}- * * *

{action}-The worlds worst grenade scene to its credit.

{humor}-

{blood}- plenty

{gore}- Some nice chopping action

{nudity}- zero

{acting}- Very very good for the genre.

{plot}- Its inconceivable that the situation would ever occur but hey it’s a horror movie.

{film quality}- I kept thinking to myself that the quality made it look much more recent than it is.

{entertainment factor}- It’s worth your time.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-zero

A man double crosses his “special forcesque” terrorist group by jumping out of a plane with their money. This movie is sort of a “What if DB Cooper jumped into a over grown field area while being chased by a swat team who’s being mutilated by scarecrows movie.” Whoops now I’ve told you the plot.

What makes a great horror movie is a sort of underlying amazement factor. This movie doesn’t have it. Its entertaining. Scarecrows is just to one dimensional monster for the sake of monsters. No back story. I don’t mind that it dives right into thick of things but some times you need a little explanation as to why scarecrows are gutting people as if its revenge. I think this is an example of great execution of a “hurry lets make a movie” script.

CONFESSIONS OF A POLICE CAPTAIN BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-09-28T16:25:00.000-05:00

CONFESSIONS OF A POLICE CAPTAIN

{overall rating}- * *

{action}- Ridiculous.

{humor}- Nun.

{blood}-

{gore}-

{nudity}-

{acting}- The dubbing makes it very hard to tell, but I’d call it at least average.

{plot}- I’m so sleepy.

{film quality}- Grindhousey.

{entertainment factor}- lame

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-40 mins.

After a mafia hit is carried out, a policeman tries to figure out who pulls the strings in his town. Once he finds his man he must find out if he has what it takes to get down and dirty and take out the trash. In on word this movie is “wordy.” Surely the kind of movie that would make Tarantino cream his pants. It was just a little much on the talking side for me and not enough camp or action. If you really love cop movies you might be entertained by this. Otherwise steer clear.

Frostbitten aka Frostbiten

2007-09-28T12:57:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2
Blood: 3
Nudity: 0
CGI: 2
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3
Other: In German/Swedish with English subtitles

A few German/Swedish troops seek refuge in an old house to avoid enemy crossfire. When they awake the next morning, one of them has been killed, and another is attacked by a wall-scaling vampire. They flee the house, but re-enter to find a small coffin in the basement where something is trying to get out, so they bury it.

Next scene, a mother and daughter move to a place that has polar nights (30 days of night, hmmm, sound familiar?), so she can do genetic research with the top authority in the field, Dr. Beckert. The next vampire attack occurs to a guy on a motorcycle. The body is found and placed on the autopsy table, where Dr. Beckert takes over the procedure and drives a stake through the cadaver’s heart to end his misery.

A medical student, Sebastian, takes one of the pills that Beckert’s been giving his coma patient, and it causes hallucinations and dogs start talking to him. Ha, talking dogs are funny! This pill also gives him an insatiable thirst for blood. He goes back to the school and steals the rest of Dr. B’s pills, which are then taken by a friend to a party. Nothing like a bunch of party-goers unknowingly turning into blood-sucking freaks.

We find out later that Beckert was one of soldiers who was bitten, and his genetic research is concentrated on making humans into vampires via genetically enhanced pills.

Pretty decent vampire flick with a touch of humor to boot, but nothing really innovative in the vampire look or ways to kill these blood-thirsty creatures. Worth a watch if you’re a fan of the genre, but don’t expect any scenes to leave lasting images.

Stupid Teenagers Must Die!

2007-09-27T23:32:00.001-05:00

Humor: 3, all camp
Blood: 3
Nudity: 2, not quite as gratuitous as hoped
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Audio: 2, quite a bit of fluctuation between scenes and dialog vs. music
Overall rating: 2

I chuckled a little from the opening words, “Long ago in a time of pure evil…” then pops up, “the 1980’s.” And, my hopes started high after reading the cover, “Warning! Contains extreme violence and gratuitous nudity.” Hee hee, my kind of flick!

This movie is 100% camp, and has all the intended elements of an 80’s slasher: The Blonde, The Tough Guy, The Shy Guy, The Nerds, The Lesbians (okay, maybe not so 80’s), and The Token Black Guy, whose lines are the funniest. The plan is to have a séance in the house of Murder McGee, who’s rumored to be haunting it after his death, but they must first find the “hidden” weapons to proceed with the summoning. From there, we have lesbian sex, a staged death, which later becomes real, and camp, blood-splatter, and tits. Yes, there are plenty of boobs, but is that really gratuitous nudity? Naw, just a tagline to get your panties moist. If you like camp in a Tromatic way, this is your film, otherwise steer clear.

Broken

2007-09-26T16:21:00.001-05:00

Movie Tagline: “Broken makes Saw look like a children’s movie.”
Humor: laughable blood
Blood: 3, there’s plenty, but color ranges from almost believable to “is that red paint?”
Nudity: 1, a side-boob shot
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 2

When I saw the excellent marketing through the design of the DVD cover, I thought, “this has potential to be the next big independent horror movie, or is this just another crapper attempting to rob me of my hard-earned money?” Needless to say, glad I was only out a mere $3 for the rental. The artwork looks like a stitched up stomach, and when you pull the cardboard apart, there’s bloody inards with an embedded razor blade. Great packaging for such a meager film, but that’s the point, right, to sell units? Sucka!

A Wolfcreek (Outback) looking guy kidnaps women, makes an incision in their stomach, and puts a razor blade in before sewing them up. He then elevates them and ties them around their neck to a tree, balancing their weight on two pieces of wood, so if they squirm too much, they’ll fall off and hang themselves. He returns later to give them a sharpened stick and says if they want to live, then they need to cut it out. If they succeed in getting the blade out, then their automatic response is to use it to cut the rope. If they survive, he then asks if they want to continue, and if so, they’re taken to his camp and chained up to await what’s next.

Most of the movie revolves around this one female who does survive the first challenge, but after several escape attempts, is reminded of who’s in control of the game. It appears that her daughter has been disposed of, but once she’s able to get free by killing the assailant, she’s found hiding in a shed. Unbeknownst to her, when she opens the door to free her, it triggers a bunch of nails to be shot at her face, thus losing her eyesight. It was the last attempt to get a rise out of the viewer, but a lame attempt in using a Saw-esque tragedy scene.

Such a great premise, but not well executed. I wrote this review while watching it, if that says anything. Sorry, Dimension Extreme, you’ve failed again, but maybe Black Sheep can pull you from the shit pile.

THE BURNING BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-09-25T22:21:00.000-05:00

THE BURNING

{overall rating}-* * *

{action}- The “OH NO I’M ON FIRE EFFECT.”

{humor}- All camp and spermicide.

{blood}- Yes but what I really want to say here is they tried to imitate the deliverance dueling banjo’s for their canoe scene.

{gore}- Some nice Tom Savini work.

{nudity}- You need more than the wannabe tease scene featuring the world’s most average looking female softball team? Yes.. there is.

{acting}- Exactly what you expect if you like cheese on your “hamburger.”

{plot}- Its sort of like Jason being traded for a burn victim who doesn’t need to hurt you in dreams.

{film quality}- Friday the 13th

{entertainment factor}- Its aight.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-

A group of kids play a prank on their camp leader type and accidentally burn him half to death. After a long recovery process he is released from the hospital, and you guessed, people begin dying in a Friday the 13th style kill fest. I’ve considered the option that they actually used the camp from the first Meatballs. Ironically Brian Backer was in that one too. This movie has decent acting and good execution. It’s a great watch for if nothing else a Jason Alexander with hair that didn’t marry Britney Spears. If you don’t get it google it. That’s what I say.

In the Sight-another Asian Horror flop

2007-09-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

Humor: 0
Blood: 1
Nudity: 0
Minutes FF’ed thru: 30-45, there was no time counter
Overall rating: 1

These days, everyone’s jumping on the Asian Horror bandwagon, and so many seem to be shot with digital camcorders and go direct to DVD. In the Sight is another loser to add to the pile. The dialog is crap, the dubbed voices stink, and the acting is horrible. And hey, is that the little boy that screams like a cat from The Grudge 1&2? (See him on the cover). The only thing it has going for it is the Asian chicks, which still doesn’t save it.

There’s one scene that’s like the Asian Lara Croft vs. the Swordswoman aka “The Scary Ghost Woman.” But, I really think this is a bondage film in disguise with the dude in a rubber (pleather?) bodysuit, chains, and Freddy-like hand-blades. Just ridiculous. And, what is the annoying screeching that continues to block out all the other audio? It did nothing but piss me the f-ck off!!

So, why do I continue to gamble with these titles? It’s because I’ve seen some really good ones, Ju-on, A Tale of Two Sisters, Dark Water, and The Isle, and I keep thinking there’s another gem just waiting to be found. Chances are, I should just stick to Tartan Asian Extreme, but then again, that’s no guarantee. Thanks to Netflix, there’s a plethora to weed through, and no money lost.

I hope America’s take on “The Eye” may finally do the J-remakes some justice, but won't be surprised if it gets a PG-13 rating merely to cash in on our gullible youth. I just wonder why we can’t get our own ideas, and why Americans are too stupid or uptight to read subtitles and watch the originals. (That was addressed on an earlier blog.) Since time and money are always a concern, stick with Tartan and Tokyo Shock, rather than venturing out into the Netherworld of A-Horror.

UNEEDA RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD REVIEW! BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-09-23T23:38:00.001-05:00

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

{overall rating}-* * * * *

{action}- Yes, thank you.

{humor}-Campy and funny.

{blood}- yeth yeth.

{gore}- This is 1985 bitches!

{nudity}- Didn’t I say 1985.

{acting}- Damn . . . I did say 1985.

{plot}- It’s a zombie movie. How many different plots are there? But seriously you’ll have to stretch yourself to accept this one.

{film quality}- Very very good for the era.

{entertainment factor}-

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-

Freddy gets a job at the local Uneeda Medical Supply. While getting trained his boss tells him that night of the living dead was true and that the containers that hold the zombies dead bodies are in the basement. He then shows him the containers. What could possibly go wrong? And if you’re wondering the phone number on the container goes to a 1800-porn line. So one of the containers leaks animating all the cadavers in the joint. Where’s a guy with a chainsaw for an arm when you need him. Enter the Sex Pistols, Rick James and Henry Rollins. So maybe this isn’t Sid , Nancy and crew but they are punx. While waiting for their friend Freddy to get off work they go play around in resurrection cemetery. Uneeda Medical Supply. Resurrection Cemetery. The eye chart says Burt is a slave driver. It feels as though they’re trying to tell us something. What makes a movie like this work is two fold. The movie has to be fun while not taking itself to seriously but create suspense and awe while it executes a plot of horror. This movie does so on both levels in epic proportion. This should crack anyone’s Top 5 zombie movies. The people who made this movie obviously have “BRAINS” and “MORE BRAINS!!”

VANESSA BY SMOKESKRENE

2007-09-22T00:14:00.000-05:00

VANESSA

VIEW EXPLICIT TRAILER ON YOUTUBE

{overall rating}-* *

{action}- Yes, involving a dressmaker, whores, a Chinese masseuse, a teenage girl, a solicitor, rice, Asian dress models, catholic school girls, 2 nuns, a whip, an invisible spirit, and a random old guy who’s name I didn’t catch.

{humor}- no

{blood}- no

{gore}- I just wanna say that this chick says “Do you believe in magic.” Is this where we should look for inspiration to create slogans?

{nudity}- A lot. Even male statue nudity.

{acting}- blah.

{plot}- They should of called it Lady Emmanuelle Chatterley.

{film quality}- This movie has some very beautiful scenery that is shot handheld and the shots almost shake. Lame.

{entertainment factor}- its aight. I guess.

{Aprox. amount of time spent fast forwarding}-20 mins.

I always know I’m going to love a movie when it starts with a theme as bad as “Bubbles” from deep throat (If you don’t know, find someone who do know.) Vanessa’s uncle, her last living relative dies, leaving her the McDonald’s of bordello chains. Quite a shock for a girl who’s spent her whole life in a convent. This movie has its moments but its just not really dry and long. It has moments that are very artsy and well done, but the camera work just never quite does anything without flaw. It’s not horrible, its just not great. File under “I wouldn’t say never.”

THE GYMNAST

2007-09-21T13:20:00.001-05:00

Humor: 1
Blood: 0
Nudity: 2
Sexuality/Intimacy: 3
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0
Overall rating: 3

This is a coming into sexuality story of an ex-gymnast who is recruited to work on an aerial acrobatics show with an Asian dancer. Through her time devoted to practice, and her continued lack of attention and intimacy from her husband, she gets more attached to her Korean partner, who is a lesbian. As the bond grows, and an intimate night ensues, Jane must break the news to her husband, while Serena must come clean to her adopted parents about her sexual preference. For those expecting lots of nudity and lesbian sex, watch a porno, because this is a nicely told love story, with only a couple topless scenes, and two nice looking women in tight gymnastics attire.

Masochist Pictures brings you Fantacide

2007-09-19T21:01:00.001-05:00

Humor: 2, mainly in dialog and ridiculousness
Dialog and acting: 1
Blood: 4, lots of really fake looking blood-splatter
Nudity: 3, a ding-dong, boobs, and a full-blown tweeter shot
# of times “F’in Jew” or “F’in Cunt” are said: 15+
Music: 3, great songs from the 50 and 60’s
Minutes FF’ed thru: 0, but wrote this review and did other stuff while watching
Overall rating: 3

Simulated cat sex, a simulated male-male BJ, Neo-Nazi jargon, an old fart who sounds like he has a mouth full of cotton and can barely speak his lines, a knife through a female’s bum, a naked chubby girl getting reamed with a bottle and then strangled, these are but a few scenes in Fantacide, the latest offering from the director of Excreamer.

There’s no doubt that this film was made to do nothing but exploit and disgust, much like August Underground’s, except done better, which isn’t saying much. With a running time of just under 2 hours, the killings, blood-splatter, and intended over-the-top cinema becomes redundant. But, one is compelled to continue to watch in wonder of what may happen next. For those who like horrible dialog, lots of fake blood, and very controversial subject matter in action and language, this might be your film. It’s currently in negotiation for distribution, but can be purchased off XploitedCinema.com for a mere Andrew Jackson (maybe a tad more with shipping). Just tell Tony I sent you, and maybe I can get a discount on my next purchase. :)